Sunday, January 15, 2017

I Got Some Jaw Dropping Looks, and My Jaw was Not The One Dropping

Hey Girls and Boys.
A quick thanks to my two subscribers. I feel legitimate. 

Nice January weather, huh?

I finally got off of my big, dead ass on Friday and got some sh7t done. I drug my butt outside,  rolled the floor jack out onto the driveway, and unscrewed the left rear wheel off of  my Scion Tc, and borrowed my brothers mammoth Chevy truck and got one of the new B F Goodrich tires installed on the 17'' wheel. Hard to believe after so long.
I checked back in my own blog history, and realised it was back in September that I bought the tires. I have no excuse. Excuses are always weak at best so I will continue to call it as it is, I am a misanthrope with bi-polar disorder.

I loaded up the old wheel and tire with the new one, and got in for the first drive/ride in my brothers new super truck (6 mos old) I felt like an aircraft pilot sitting behind the wheel of a jumbo jet. I was a bit overwhelmed. I took the time to find the cruise control button, and the radio(satellite,of course) station selector. I was astounded at the breadth and depth of information that was available to the driver and passengers of this space-age vehicle. I will have to schedule an appointment with my brother(actually needed) to sit in the vehicle and learn all about how it works. Most new cars have this technology and sooner or later I will be switching vehicles and I will be thrust into the 21st century. My Scion Tc has an outside temperature sensor as it's first 2008 step into the future. Otherwise, it is pure analog. Motor, clutch, trans, wheel. No doo-dads.
But honestly, when you have a nice, "Revvy" motor and a stick, that can be quite enough entertainment in itself.

Anyway, I made my way to mallwart  and dropped off my items to be repaired. I had the hardest time explaining to the "concierge" ticket writer, that the tire was a directional tire and it needed to be mounted so it was properly orientated to run on the left side of the car. He just couldn't get his head wrapped around any tire that was supposed to rolling a particular direction. Even after I lowered the trucks tailgate and showed him. "Oh , Oh he said" He was thinking that the tire was meant to be mounted on the truck. I explained again and I guess he understood. When I got up and parked next to one of the service lanes, a worker came out and asked what he could do for me. All I had to say was that I had a changeout in the trucks bed. Keys in the ignition and I was going inside to do a bit of shopping. He said a respectful, "yes sir, but with quite a bit of puzzlement in his voice.

I was wearing grey sweatpants, really beat up, old sneakers, and  Kawasaki T-shirt. But since it was in the low 70's, I didn't wear any jacket or windbreaker. I soon realised that was a mistake. The windcheater would be easier for me to hide my figure, which needed hiding, rather than this obvious man with the nice, big boobs. I was wearing one of my old 38C bras that did really mash things down alot,  but there was no hiding what was beneath. I did shave the best I could but without any makeup,  I tipped over to the obvious look of a guy. I tried not to look at the persons I met with but that was not entirely possible. I could see their eyes darting from my chest to my face and seeing their obvious puzzlement that something was just not adding up. Jaws dropped, and mouths hung open just below faces of bewilderment. Sorry to freak all of the good people of New Boston, Tx last night.

I will be making my way to the other, next nearest mallwart store sometime this next week to transfer over my prescriptions and establish it as my new home store. I still haven't decided whether I am going to present as a woman or a man. I know that the original reason for changing stores was to find a safer environment for me when I am being me but this recent trip out in public, albeit without some sort of heavy duty boob masher, proved to me that  I will be unsuccessful trying to pass myself as a dude. And the thought of forcibly pressing down my breasts, for hours at a time, is something that I just know will be exceedingly uncomfortable. And I am not a man!! I don't want to look like one or act like one. And I
am apparently not very good at acting like one anymore. Set the girl free!

I did stop off at the local fish and chips shop to get dinner for mom and me. It was not too crowded for a Friday night and as usual, I passed on the drive-thru experience, and chose to go inside and pick up the goods. I have always liked to go inside to get fast food. I enjoy people watching and just the experience of being somewhere besides the house and my room. Makes me feel like much less of a lazy, dead ass. I feel that the employees respect a walk-in customer rather than a drive thru customer. The middle aged women were more that friendly and we had some nice chats and quips. A  smile and an interest in their job seems to put a face on the customer and employee that makes the transaction more personal, and usually ensures that my order is correct. Last night, she asked if I wanted any ketchup or any other condiments. She loaded me up with a huge bag of ketchup and other things. I was very grateful as their Ketchup is a relative newcomer to fast food, "Red Gold" Very tasty and nicely spiced. Thank you ladies.

I made my way back home in a record 35 minutes and I quickly unloaded the fresh food so mom and I could chow down. After dinner, I began to unload the small load of foodstuffs, and lastly, the new tire. The driveway has a nice slope and the tire raced away from me and plowed into the bumper of my '79 Phoenix and ricocheted and landed in just about perfect place for me to get it mounted.What luck!
Unfortunately, Today was rainy and windy and the new tire hasn't been installed yet. Now my concern is whether the wheel and tire will be stolen. Things do get ripped off occasionally from around here. To have that Item stolen would be quite expensive..

I hope you all have a great weekend.
Love, Julia




Friday, January 13, 2017

Not feeling so Manly.

Hey Y'all

Here I sit on my bed in my favorite gown, ready for some sleep, while winding down with some Big Bang.  I am desperately trying to ignore the fact that I haven't shaved my face, or worn makeup, or been out of the house in 5 days. Nor have I strapped on any cute shoes or a cute blouse. I did spray on some perfume, and yesterday I did wear some leggings and a tank top. With only mom here, and she is certifiably blind, she doesn't notice what I wear. I have even stowed away the mirror that sits on my bedside table, so I wont be tempted to have a peek.
This trying to turn off the new girl and let the old guy back out is killing me. If the hormones didn't change me or perhaps the effect of the hormones change me, as in my personality and how I see myself, the fact that ten years have passed since I began this journey to change my outer self have most definitely changed me. Into a 63 year old woman.  I have had better than good results. But I hadn't realised how much I as a person have changed.

Something deep inside of my psyche has changed. It is not in a way that I have changed how I move around the world in my life. It has changed something deep in my soul. The changes that I made as I was beginning to transition were obvious to me. How I spoke in public, and how I walked and carried myself. Those inner efforts were soon replaced with changes. Not obvious changes but permanent changes in me. Changes that I have realised that really have come from within. The other side of me began to emerge. I began to think more like Julia than Jeff. I also began to change my interests and priorities. Car tinkering? Out. Pretty nails and makeup, Oh Yes, In!

Sitting here relaxing, I suddenly became tense and upset. It was after seeing one girl, Just one girl in a commercial that was wearing some cute wedge sandals tossed me over the edge.

I am the sort that is always looking at how each and every girl that I see on TV, is dressed. I have been doing it for years, way before I even began to start to realise that I was not a true male. I had always admired a pretty girl in cute clothes, but this was something different. I wanted to look like them and wear the same clothes. So began my journey to transition.

I don't know how long I can continue to try to change my looks and manner back to the old me. So far, I have not done so well. To put it in another way, I think ten years of hormones and learning, and living as I was really meant to, have irreversibly killed off the old me. I had sensed that the old Jeff was not as easily recalled as before, but I really think he is dead.

With the hostile law and anti-LGBT sentiment now so prevalent and top of mind in this state, I am both very sad and scared to leave the house.

The Lt Gov of texas is spearheading this bathroom law. He is well aware of what it did to North Carolina and her economy, and he says that he is not worried that it will effect texas in the same way. He thinks that businesses and orginisations will flock to texas and her "woman protecting laws" that he pushed through. He has been warned by sensible business and other organisational groups that it will be a huge revenue loser for the state. He begs to disagree. I am sure that he feels that most everyone else is evangelical like him and if they aren't , they had better wake up and get on board because there is a new sheriff in town.

Until the NFL, and NCAA, and the other orginisations start to leave texas in their rear view mirror, and he begins to feel the pressure from these people losing money, we will be stuck with old "evangelist pat".
Of course, when large orginasitions start to lose money, people will wake up. Money is the great equaliser. And sports is most of the main reason why people live in texas. Sports, from kiddie football, through the two NFL teams we have, Life seems to revolve around the cowboys, at least here in north texas. During this playoff season, as have been in every year since 1962 when we first got an NFL franchise, the local TV news is mostly about football from august until way past the superbowl. I am not a fan but you can't help from noticing that every year, everything becomes football here.
Try taking that away. Trans people will be welcomed everywhere.

Anyway, I will continue to fight this feeling in me. I am still very worried on how I am going to be able to hide these breasts of mine. And how will I feel dressing in men's clothes, when I go out shopping. I won't know how to act. Frown and act tough and pissed off I guess.
And since I haven't repaired either of my cars, I will be driving my brothers super macho, huge, black, expensive, new Chevy truck to the grocery for fresh supplies soon. It will help with my masquerade.

Love always, Julia

Monday, January 9, 2017

I Faced The Facts But I'M Going To Have Alot of Trouble Making Some Of Those Changes

Hey Boys and Girls.

I trust that you are having a fun week. If not, Take your laptop and sit in the bathtub for at least 3 hours. Works for me.

In my last blog post, I told you of the changes in my lifestyle that I was going to have to make to at minimum, be safe while living in this fucking state of texas. They have seen fit to obsess on persons that they consider to be defective or sub human. So if they get their way, medical and emergency personnel will NOT have to treat you if they consider you Transgender, or a woman recovering from an abortion. Such hateful and evil ideas can only come from the ULTRA RELIGIOUS Lt. GOVERNOR DAN FUCKING PATRICK AND HIS MINIONS. I truly wish all bad things for these eat up with "the religious right" douschebag losers.

 Relating back to my last blog entry, I have not had any problem facing the changes that I will have to make just to be able to have the same treatment in an emergency medical situation as other people. I seriously question ANY medical professional that would even THINK of denying a injured or sick person medical attention is beyond my range of imagination. Anyone that would even consider standing by and letting someone possibly DIE because they are not part of the mainstream public, is an idiot and an evil person. If they are following whatever directions they think their god is giving them or doing what they think is the current religiously correct things to do, is beyond the ideals and actions of even the most evangelical,eat up with jesus, proud of their outlandish actions, ultra religious nut.

Since when did christian values include walking over your fellow man when they are sick and injured? I don't think that is what jesus and the bible teaches. It just goes to show what evangelical zeal and group thinking will get you.

Are medical professionals going to start to check and see what is in our underwear before treating us? What of those of us that have had GCsurgey? Starts to sound like the bathroom thing. Are they going to have a monitor check everyone who needs to use the facilities before letting them?

And of course, this is the VERY FIRST AGENDA that the state is working as soon as they went back in session. They have the priorities of a child, or an angry evil person.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO HOW I AM FEELING ABOUT CHANGING MY APPEARANCE AND TRYING TO ACT LIKE A DUDE...
I don't even like the thought of any of it. I like my skinny jeans, and my long blonde hair. Having to wear men's shoes and clothes makes me feel sick. I haven't worn men's clothes in over 10  years. How can a handful of sick people who obviously think that they know what is best for everyone, except it makes a minority of people very uncomfortable, scared, and unhappy?
I guess I will wear baggy men's jeans and no makeup when I have to go out. I haven't felt this upset about anything in years.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Some of the following about texaa loutennant govener dan pactrick was ripped from wikipedia

Some background on " Dannie Scott Goeb" from Baltimore. Raised ,schooled there, went into TV and ended up doing sports in Houston. Not even a native son.

He migrated to owning several sports bars in Houston, eventually all going bankrupt due to allegations of illegal alien employees. In the 1990's, he moved on to hosting an ULTRA CONSERVATIVE RADIO TALK SHOW. Soon after his bankruptcy.

He even looks like some snakey TV preacher.
This paragraph from Wikipedia......................................
 [Patrick "reinvented himself,"[8] becoming a conservative talk radio host in the 1990s.[10] He hosted a conservative radio talk show. The program, Dan Patrick & Friends, was broadcast in Houston on KSEV 700 AM and in Dallas on KVCE 1160 AM.[11][12] Patrick grew very successful and influential through his talk radio career[8][10] and earned high name recognition.[8] As a talk radio host, Patrick advocated for fiscal conservatism, evangelical Christian values on social issues, and he became a very vocal opponent of illegal immigration.[8] One notable decision Patrick made as the owner of a talk radio program was to sign Rush Limbaugh, who was not well known at the time, on his radio station.[10]

 His tenure in politics in texas has included supporting cruz and trump, and immediately upon election as a state senator, he immediately introduced legislation to make abortion illegal in the state. His other laundry list of oppositions include campaigning for rick perry, and creating the texas branch or the tea party. He passionately campaigned for better schools as texas has an average 25% dropout rate (50-55% in inner cities) He did nothing.He is in full support on the wall with Mexico, He was a champion of the "Open Carry" laws passed in the state, he is opposed to all abortion and had mandated ultrasounds for women before abortions, is on a new law to try to establish creationism as part of public school curriculum, he is a staunch fiscal conservative, has opposed illegal immigrants, and has vociferously been an advocate of denying all LGBT persons, same sex marriages, and domestic partners and rights under the law. he is on his second marriage and 3rd name change. He was the campaign chairman for trump with texas only siding for trump by about 9 percent.

So as you see, this nutjob is going to continue to take away the rights that his evangelical beliefs show him to be chosen to do. It will never be any better in texas as long as Austin is full of these freaks that the uninformed and pseudo conservative christians of the state continue to vote into office. Texas will be screwed up for decades.

This is what we have to deal with for the foreseeable future. And a hearty thanks to the religious conservative voters who voted these ringers in office. Makes you wonder if they would have voted for them if they knew what they stood for. UNFORTUNATELY I CAN almost guarantee they knew what they were doing.......... "you know those fags and nancy boys need to be squashed like the bugs that they are".......... You have no idea unless you have hung around these mouth breathing losers.
Love, Julia


Thursday, January 5, 2017

Facing The Facts and Having To Make Some Changes.

Hope the new year is going your way

The evil, full of hate people that the occupants of the state of texas have elected have made life not just inconvenient for LGBT persons, It has made it dangerous ......as in Life or Death.
And don't get sick or injured if you have had an abortion.

A federal judge has ruled that by reason of religious freedom, EMT personnel, Emergency room doctors, and any other medical person can refuse to treat any LGBT person that is in need of medical help. They also horribly included any woman suspected of having had an abortion. Lay there and die. Tough shit.

These people that have made this ruling and are celebrating it, are lower than the lowest. They are violating the basic code of human decency by making this ruling. They are not fit to live on the same planet as other people.

I do not feel safe living in this state. The stupid rednecks are bad enough. The lady that I see walking around wallmart with a bible in her shopping cart, reading scripture while she shops, and gives me hateful, "you need to be killed" looks whenever she sees me, makes my public life bad enough.

I will no longer shop at that particular store. Nor will I present as female in public. A 2-3  week beard will hopefully distract persons from looking at my larger than average breasts. A sports bra will need to be purchased. Meanwhile layers and ace bandages will have to do. Otherwise, they will be a sure giveaway.

I had no problem passing for a guy for 52 years, and now with a little prep, I will now disguise myself for reasons of safety or perhaps to save my life.If I am involved in a traffic accident, I will simply be a curiosity because of my female name and breasts. By then, they will have saved my life.

I really don't want to change my name. I like this one. But male type clothing will have to be purchased. Jeans, baggy T-shirts, etc. Not that different to what my casual wear is now. Just not as fitted. Baggier. No cute shoes. That will hurt.
And my hair is blonde and very long. Perhaps make it Lt. Brown again and keep it in a ponytail. I can handle it until I can move somewhere safe. But that may not be possible until the new prez-goon is out of office. Possibly sooner is he continues to do everything wrong. But pence would be much worse. He is crazy, mean, and super religious.

So are the topics of the day. Safety. Blending in. Although I was only clocked once when I was just starting transition. And there is the bible-reader-shopper. I only saw here during daylight hours and changing stores and shopping in the evening should keep me safe.

Oh well......
Fight the Power
Julia

you will love this...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFHH79RDImk