Thursday, December 29, 2016

Disease or Disorder?

I have mood swings. The professional types call it Bi-Polar Disorder. They now also call transsexualism/transgender a disorder. I call it fucked for life. Either disorder is a bitch to live with alone but together, it is beyond livable.

And just what is the definition of a disorder?

A disturbance of function or structure, resulting from a genetic or embryological failure in development or from exogenous factors such as poison, trauma, or disease.


An abnormality, alteration, or derangement. See Antisocial personality disorder, Anxiety disorder, Asperger disorder, Arousal disorder, Attention deficit disorder, Autistic disorder, Bipolar disorder, Body dysmorphic disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Central auditory processing disorder, Chromosome disorder, Compulsive personality disorder, Conversion disorder, Cruise-associated diarrheal disorder, Cumulative trauma disorder, Delusional disorder, Dependent personality disorder, Depersonalization disorder, Depressive disorder, Developmental disorder, Disease, Dissociative identity disorder, Dysthymic disorder, Eating disorder, EBV-associated lymphoproliferative disorder, Endometrial disorder, Expressive language disorder, Factitious disorder, Functional disorder, Gender identity disorder, Generalized anxiety disorder, Hearing disorder, Histrionic personality disorder, Identity disorder, Internet addiction disorder, Iodine deficiency disorder, Language disorder, Late luteal phase dysphoric disorder, Lymphoproliferative disorder, Major depressive disorder, Martha Stewart disorder, Mendelian disorder, Mental disorder, Motor speech disorder, Movement disorder, Multiple autoimmune disorder, Multiple personality disorder, Musculoskeletal disorder, Myeloproliferative disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder, Neurodegenerative disorder, Neurogenic communication disorder, Neurotic disorder, Nonmendelian disorder, Obsessive-compulsive disorder, Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, Panethnic disorder, Panic disorder, Partial syndrome eating disorder, Passive-aggressive personality disorder, Post-transplantation lymphoproliferative disorder, Post-traumatic stress disorder, Premenstrual dysphoric disorder, Psychotic disorder, Reactive attachment disorder of infancy or early childhood, Reading disorder, S-100–positive T-cell lymphoproliferative disorder, Schizoid personality disorder, Seasonal affective disorder, Seizure disorder, Sexual pain disorder, Shared psychotic disorder, Silicone-reactive disorder, Single gene disorder, Sleep disorder, Sleep terror disorder, Smell disorder, Somatization disorder, Speech disorder, Swallowing disorder, Syndrome, Taste disorder, Thought disorder, Throat disorder, Thyroid disorder, Urea cycle disorder, Urologic disorder, Voice disorder, X-linked disorder.

AS you can see, the medical community have been discovering disorders at a rapid speed. It seems that a disorder can not only be a mental thing but a whole body system myriad of disorders.
Basically, anything or system that doesn't work perfectly, is a disorder.

Which leaves diseases and trauma.
Did a pathogen or some kind of trauma cause me to be this way?

Or was it because  I was BUILT BROKEN? 

I was born this way. I did nothing to cause myself to change into a disordered person. I remember being a recluse and being sad for no reason as long as I can remember. I remember my early childhood very well.

The sad thing is that the medical community is slow to understand disorders. They used  to think that some diseases were caused by an "Ill Wind", or demons, or the devil. Even when the medical community agrees on a new way of describing  something or figuring out that people can be wild and depressed for no other reason than that their brain chemistry changes, but no one can see that change, So they are grouped together in the type of people to avoid. They used to lock mental patients up forever. Not that long ago either.

As far as gender disorders, the medical community are just now starting to do some solid research. Early findings are that people can be born with a brain that doesn't match their assigned sex. Try to get your average Joe to understand that.

Our schools do an abysmally poor job of teaching children how to function in the world. There are some basic truths and knowledge that every child leaving high school should know.
Here are some things that no one ever taught  my generation.

How to prepare food to minimally survive.
How to plan a budget for your household.
How to manage money as far as purchases and Interest rates, and mortgages, are concerned.
How to shop wisely and not get taken to the cleaners.
How an automobile works. Basic car safety checks, tire air pressure, oil level, coolant, etc..
How electricity works, audio systems, amplifiers, speakers, etc
How to plunge a stopped up toilet.
How the opposite sex is different physically and mentally.
How to treat others.
Or maybe some skill or trade so we could feed ourselves after our parents kicked us out.

Most of these things can be taught over a childhood period of time by a loving and caring parent(s). In school, we were mostly told to shut up, and do menial assignments. Being quiet was paramount. 

There are generations of young people who don't know how to do jack shit. I have cousins in their late 30's that don't even know basic history. I tell them to watch mythbusters, How it's made, and Diners, drive in's and dives. And all documentaries about 20th century history.
If you don't how we got here, how can you prepare yourself for the future?

I am still marooned here in this house with a eternally pissed off mother, and this is not the situation a person of my brain malfunction should be.

more later
Love, Julia


  1. Labels suck - especially one that is based on a "disorder". What's worse to think about is as you said . . . Were we built broken? It certainly helps explain things, but thinking of yourself as being broken (or having a disorder) certainly isn't like a warm, soft magic blanket that makes all the pain and self-loathing go away. The only way to effectively deal with being transgendered (transition or not) is to accept who you are, broken and all, and be happy being who you are. That of course is much easier said then done and it has to be a constant thing, because doubt and despair is just around the corner.

    I enjoy reading your blog, and for what its worth, I don't think you're broken. :-)

  2. Thanks for your input. I have accepted the Bi-Polar part back in 1988 when I figured out what was wrong with me and the dr's agreed. Figuring out I was transgender began about 17 years ago and although I cannot live as a free single woman yet, I have fully embraced my femininity. I like the new me alot better than the old guy. But I have wasted 20 years caring for my parents, losing all of my friends and co-workers back in Dallas, and now I am in a daily vegetative state. I do nothing and have no friends. That is the part that is killing me. But I pledged to be here for mom until she is gone. She is 93 now, more demented and angry than ever, and all of her anger is aimed at me. I am at the point that I really don't even try to help her because she treats me so badly. Moving is financially impossible and I am stuck just waiting for her to die. Wishing? Morbid but inevitable. I want to live some before I am too old. thanks, Julia