I hope the past days have gone smoothly for you. I haven't done much of anything lately.
This evening finds me sequestered in my bedroom to watch multiple episodes of Big Bang Theory and finally getting around to removing the grown out nail polish on my toes. I am the queen of procrastination. The last few hours I have been on WGN Chicago watching reruns of "Rules of Engagement". One of those shows that wasn't around that long but it seem to be popular on local and network reruns. It did have an outstanding cast. except for David Spade although in some things he was in, I enjoyed. Being a lecherous loser here, isn't.
I have been totally absent from doing any and all of the house(room)keeping duties that I just "haven't gotten around to" That, in Julia speak, is that the effort exceeds the benefit. I have washed a few loads of clothes, and I did carry out the trash. I am way behind in cleaning the cat box out though. But since no one ever comes in my room other that me, I am the only one to suffer.
Here it is nearly the end of the month and I still haven't gone to the grocers. According to my last prescription bottle, I was there on September 1st. I did pick up my "pills" but my grocery shopping was cut short by a pain flare-up in my right knee. That is the one that I injured in 1973 while stationed at Chanute AFB, Ill, and re injured again exactly a year and a day later while living in Cheyenne at F.E.Warren AFB, Wy. Ultimately the injury was serious enough for the USAF to decide that sitting around answering telephones in my office was a waste of money and my time so I was discharged in July, 1975. I returned to Dallas, college, and the Roaring Late 1970's.
|Taco John's In North Cheyenne.|
I actually missed living in Cheyenne. The clear air, mild climate, and abundance of food at the local Taco John's was alot to leave. I remember after returning to Dallas, seeing the afternoon smog, traffic, and general hustle of living in a big city. I had gotten very used to quiet, slow Cheyenne without realizing it and I returned on vacations and road trip as often as possible.
Tonight, I am accompanied by two of my babies. 12 year old Amanda, A tortoiseshell, is asleep and snoring by my left foot and my newest addition to the heard, Buster, a big black boy, is stretched out on the other side of the bed. Amanda has a sister here, Denise, and their Huge, black brother Manny. All tortoiseshell males are black although I read that there was actually only one male born EVER with the markings of a female. They are genetic mutants and I understand quite rare. But they have enough personality for a dozen cats. My newest, Buster was acquired on a grocery run where I stopped off at the Taco Bell drive thru, saw him wandering around, lost, and called to him, he jumped up in my car, settled in quite quickly in my lap for the drive home, and after the usual adjustment period with the other cats, has been an outstanding companion to both me and mom. He likes to lay on mom's bed during her afternoon naps. This is the only cat to ever lay on her bed with her approval, ever. He is young, and full of life and has such fun running and playing with Manny and Mom's cat, Angel. The two sisters have very little to do with him other than running him off and hissing and growling at him.
|A litter of Tortoise shell cats.|
Today was the first day of some decent weather. The high was 73. I foresee my checking off some of my outdoor car maint/repair projects. All three need something done to them.
|A pic from the net of a very similar car.|
I was thinking recently about time, and events, and history, and all of the things I have seen in my life. It was hard to realize that so many of the bloggers here could be my children. If you were born after 1971, I could legally be old enough to have been your parent. That really freaks me out. People have changed so much from what people my age are like. Some things are universal but so many other things aren't. To sit down and talk to someone that is say 30 to 40 years old, it soon becomes apparent that we have very little in common. The 45 to 60 year old I can find some common ground with. It's like "Do you remember President Kennedy?"
Getting old isn't so bad if you have taken care of your body and health through the years. The things that age you can bring like illness, disease, and general malaise, are preventable for some people. But the one thing that no one can help you with is the isolation, loneliness, and foolish feelings that come with being the oldest person around. Old people aren't appreciated by younger generations. I know that if I encountered anyone my age earlier in my life, I would have thought they were a fossil, trying to relive the past. Someone you try to get away from as fast as you can. I remember. And all of you will remember when you get older and find that time has passed your ass by. I never try to make small talk with strangers when I am out . I don't want to be that old bitch that likes to talk about the old days. No one wants to hear that. I am actually surprised that anyone reads what I write. Although there are some fine bloggers much closer to my age, they have been here on T-Central for years. I remember when T-Central was created. And I still miss you, Riftgirl.
I am fortunate in that I chose a lifestyle that has kept me out of the sun, away from drugs and tobacco, and other dangerous and destructive behavior. I am always told that I look younger than I am and I still act like a 20 year old but I am obviously more mature in many ways and much more careful in my daily activities. Mashed fingers, broken bones, falls, and automobile accidents will set an older person back much further than a young person.
But then comes the question, just how long will I live, and what will my quality of life be like when I am 70, 80, or 90 years old. My father was 30 when I was born, Mom just a bit younger. I had them around until 2004 in my dad's case and mom is 92 now. I have seen a woman who was married when she was 21 in 1945, and remain married to that same man until his death. 59 years. They had a loving and strong marriage. No screaming fights, no drunken brawls, and no extramarital affairs. Hard to imagine such a thing in these days.
But after Dad was gone, my mother just gave up. She has never really gotten over him and her life over the last 12 years has not been happy. She has become bitter, angry, and now she is becoming a bit demented. She is in perfect health in that she has no diseases or disorders. She tells me often that she wishes she were dead so she could be with my father. I see her suffer so many days as she sits alone, disinterested in most everything. My last relationship ended in 2000 and I have been very alone also.Other than still treating me like her youngest kid, she has very little to say to me. I chatter away about things I read, news items, my hopes and dreams and thought and she usually, midway through, puts her headphones back on and continues to listen to her books on tape. The hurts me so that she can be so rude but who knows. I don't know it I want to live that long. Being alone for 16 years has been bad enough.
I came up here from Dallas, giving up my career in broadcasting, just to care for my aging parents. The last few year of my dad's live were painful for everyone as he would fight everyone about everything. I have wasted so many of my years trying to do my duty in caring for my parents, and I would have never imagined how long I would be marooned up here in nowhere land. And I was 16 years younger then. A lifetime when you take 16 years out of your life, especially the years in your late 40's and all of your 50's when you should be settled in with a home, family and at least a loving wife and the end of a career in the near future. I will inherit this house and most of the land when Mom is gone but at the way she is going, she may make it to 100. I will be 70. What will I be like. How much more life will I miss. When I think about it I really get angry. Especially the last 10 years in where my mother has become more abusive and angry. And no, she isn't happy about my transition. She accepts it, but is embarrassed about it when it comes to speaking to her last 2 sisters. From what I can tell, I am not mentioned at all.
My brother is quite selfish in his own way and his wife keeps him on a short leash. I will Really be alone when she is gone. I will sell this house and land and I doubt that I will ever return. I wish it would come sooner than later but to wish that would be wishing that my mom's death would occur sooner than later. In my opinion, she is only a few months away from having to move into an assisted care facility. The one up here is a toilet. She will listen to no one when it comes to trying to get her to move away from here to a place where she could at least live in a decent home. But since my Dad died here, she will die here and there will be no changing of anything. And she knows that I have sacrificed my happiness and life for her, but she shows no thanks, or no grace at all. Of course, with my limited monthly stipend, I'm unable to move anywhere. Only when she is gone, or in a home and I am allowed to sell this place will I be able to start the remainder of my life. When is the question.
I am sorry that this blog entry has been such a downer. But it kinda completes what I started in my last entry. I may not be around here very often as I really don't have alot to tell you. Nothing happens. If you are wondering if I am still around, drop me a note at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Remember to try to make the world a bit nicer place for all of us to live in. Be nice. Smile. Pay it forward.
Thanks for reading.