Monday, April 17, 2017

Going out, attitude adjustment, and Other things.

Hey y'all

I hope you are hanging on tight. Things seem to not looking like they are going to get any better or easier anytime soon.

I won't even dig in and start any serious talk about the current president. He is crazy, unstable, petty, and vindictive, not to mention outright stupid. As he removes hard fought after protections on our economy, cleanliness of the air and water, and focuses on doing grandiose things that make him look tough, we, as a whole, are powerless. I just hope that the country, as a whole, is resilient enough to not fall before we can find a way to get rid of him. I have even considered praying to some entity for divine intervention lest this country ceases to exist. Bully trumfp seems convinced that bullying his way around the world is preferable to diplomacy and acting like a decent human.

On a personal level, I have become more sedentary, angry, sad, and hopeless. If my life situation is to ever change, it would take the death of my 93 year old mother. I am stranded here until she dies. She has become more out of touch with life and reality. She believes no one and is combative if told otherwise. Most times she is content to listen to her books on tape, sleep, and ask me and my brother the craziest questions and argue when we answer. She will not ask anyone for help wit anything. This results in her not being able to even get a can or bottle of soda as she is unable to open it, but with me only feet away, she will ask for no help and will accept no assistance.
The tension here is pea-soup fog thick. I am not used to this atmosphere and the pressure and it is having a toll on my health, both physical and mental. I can only selfishly pray that her lord will take her soon and free me to move on but that little good side, inside of me chastises me and just makes things worse. Although after some of the screaming arguments we have, I wish for those life events to accelerate greatly.

I have rarely been out of the house for the last 4 months. My brother has been doing my grocery shopping for me. I feel blessed to have him to help, although I feel very guilty. I think he realises the danger of my venturing out of the house to go to a public place in light of the states (texas) evangelical fervor to pass as many anti-trans and other laws that will keep we different people either at home or force us to outwardly change to suit the ignorant rednecks that make up the vocal majority of the public. This area is lousy with dumb shits, beer stores, pick up trucks, and all sorts of dirty looks whenever I went out in public last.

I am able to change my outward appearance and look like my old self quite easily. Grow the remaining whiskers out a bit, and wear boy clothes. I have secured a few pair of mens jeans, baggy t-shirts, and appropriate footwear. My only problem passing as a man is the big, beautiful, D+ cup breasts that I now have grown. Don't get me wrong and think that I now hate them and wish that I had never taken all of those hormones for 10 years. I love them and they are a constant reminder that I am truly a woman in so many ways. they seem to change most every aspect of my daily life and I would never think about having them removed. Due to the speed that they grew and the ultimate above average size they became, I do believe that I was meant to have them all along. When dressed in my normal women's clothes, they really are strong indicators that I am female. I wear them proudly.

 But I seem to remember that I used to have quite a bit of tops with scoop necklines that showed off quite a bit of cleavage. I am sure men looked but I also remember never having any anger directed my way back then. Unlike wearing breastforms under your tops which create a nice illusion, many disbelievers or "trans-police" will easily discount hidden breasts. They never do when real cleavage is being show, You don't actually have to wear any really low cut tops to show off a bit. An average, loose fitting t-shirt with a generous neck hole will do nicely. just face a few people and lean over. I had always enjoyed looking as much as I now like showing. breasts are pretty and everyone likes to get a peek now and then.

The one time I did go out wearing boy clothes, pulled back hair, no makeup, and regular bra under my t-shirt, I got some incredulous looks. If I had no facial hair that day, I could have probably pulled it off but I was experimenting on the limits of how I could push the boundaries. In retrospect, it seems breasts, are a large percentage of what's needed to put together a complete female look. I can easily pass female if I prep my face with a very close shave, a bit of face powder and blush, mascara, and of course appropriate clothes. I have even gone out in girls jeans, baggy t-shirt, no makeup but a smooth face, and even sloppy boys shoes. I am sure the long blonde hair and hard to miss breasts put me solidly in the female category.

 There are a large percentage of local female up here that make absolutely no effort to dress and look nice. Gender neutral white t-shirts, sloppy, old baggy jeans, and no makeup are the norm. You rarely see a woman dressed nicely with makeup in the stores. When you do, it is obvious that they are just returning from their job (most girls get married and start having babies soon after high school around here). You do see a few nicely dressed women that care to venture out after church services on Wednesday night. But that is rare too.

So, it is actually quite easy to pass around here.(I am preaching to myself here) I am not too tall at 5'9 1/2'' and I don't have any other obviously male traits. A soft sweet voice, and obvious feminine body language has always indicated to others that I was obviously a woman. I never do anything to draw any unnecessary attention to myself. I always keep my head up and meet others looks with a sweet smile and a silent greeting. Hanging your head and trying to avoid others glances just makes you look scared, guilty, and uninviting. Even below average girls can be friendly and look confident. Confidence is a huge element in passing and feeling comfortable in public.

Before all of this bathroom talk, and anti trans shit going on, I never had a problem when I went out. I always looked forward to getting dressed and putting on makeup. It is a rare occasion that I have any reason to venture out. The nearest shopping is in Texarkana, 50 miles away.

Anyway, I have dozens of little jobs ahead of me this spring. It is so easy to become lethargic. My car needs very little maintenance since I have only driven about 7500 miles since I got it 19 months ago. It should be paid of sooner than the allotted 36 months and I can seriously start shopping for my next motorcycle. I have been doing quite alot of on-line shopping and reading of reviews and comparisons on Youtube.

Kawasaki Versys 1000

I have done enough talking here. I hope you can find a way to get along in these crazy times we are living in.

Love, Julia

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