Saturday, February 4, 2017

Revolution is in the air.

Hey peoples

I hope your January passed without too much pain.

Nothing new here. TV Dr Pepper. DVR, Chips, the usual

I have altered one part of my life.
I no longer watch hardly any news, especially local (Dallas) and cable news.(but I do miss Rachel)

Try reading the headlines daily on www.huffingtonpost.com

Someone (gill scott-heron, 1970) once said "The Revolution will not be televised"
But the end of the United States will.

WE have seen some spark of revolution with all of the record setting protests around the world over the actions of our new fearless leader. These are sparks of a true revolution. But civil disobedience and must ensue along with bloodshed before anything will change

Some say that he will grow tired of signing things and fucking up the country. He has shown that major damage can be done in just a relatively few days of his four year pass to inflict pain and suffering on the great , apparent by now, stupid public, and it will take alot more than a few protests and marches to change anything.

We are living in historic times. Books will be written about all of this. Students will study it.

History is repeating itself, but this time in a new, much more evil, helpless, possibly nuclear way.

The end of our world is nearer now than when Nikita Khrushchev was running things in the old USSR. At least President Kennedy wasn't trying to pal up with him just to get some compliments.

EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM AND HIS ADMINISTRATION IS misinformed, not serious, ill conceived, reckless, mean spirited, and incredibly selfish in that he just intends for rich republicans to get richer.

I believe the shit will hit the fan when he cuts Social Security, Medicare, amd other social services that allow the poor, disabled, aged, and unfortunate children attempt to live a life of dignity.

When those social services are cut, grandparents will be driving to Washington, D.C. to personally remove him from office.

I only pray that we live through the violent changes and are alive to live in the post trumpf world where things will be corrected and we will restore the checks and balances of a democracy. I hope good sense, and a world of tolerance will ensue.

But to say it will be bumpy is putting it very mildly. He may quit when the going gets tough, as when he realises that he is hated, or he may fight all the way through his impeachment.

But then we have pence to deal with. IN some ways, he is much worse. See the article in the current Rolling Stone.

Anyway, My HP15 computer terminal is terminally ill. It has completely lost its mind a few times lately, for no reason, and it did not just do a restart, but it called HP and did a complete reinstall of all systems just as when it was new. Automatically. I trust it no longer. I will have to find something much more stable and hardy. These cheap things are for kids and losers. I am too old for this shit. reloading 1400 songs and configuring everything is just too much, You just lose too much info, pics, favorites, etc.

Don't let the news get you down. I hope it is because if you are ill informed and oblivious to our situation, you are a big part of the problem we have.

Love, Julia

Watch this.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

I Got Some Jaw Dropping Looks, and My Jaw was Not The One Dropping

Hey Girls and Boys.
A quick thanks to my two subscribers. I feel legitimate. 

Nice January weather, huh?

I finally got off of my big, dead ass on Friday and got some sh7t done. I drug my butt outside,  rolled the floor jack out onto the driveway, and unscrewed the left rear wheel off of  my Scion Tc, and borrowed my brothers mammoth Chevy truck and got one of the new B F Goodrich tires installed on the 17'' wheel. Hard to believe after so long.
I checked back in my own blog history, and realised it was back in September that I bought the tires. I have no excuse. Excuses are always weak at best so I will continue to call it as it is, I am a misanthrope with bi-polar disorder.

I loaded up the old wheel and tire with the new one, and got in for the first drive/ride in my brothers new super truck (6 mos old) I felt like an aircraft pilot sitting behind the wheel of a jumbo jet. I was a bit overwhelmed. I took the time to find the cruise control button, and the radio(satellite,of course) station selector. I was astounded at the breadth and depth of information that was available to the driver and passengers of this space-age vehicle. I will have to schedule an appointment with my brother(actually needed) to sit in the vehicle and learn all about how it works. Most new cars have this technology and sooner or later I will be switching vehicles and I will be thrust into the 21st century. My Scion Tc has an outside temperature sensor as it's first 2008 step into the future. Otherwise, it is pure analog. Motor, clutch, trans, wheel. No doo-dads.
But honestly, when you have a nice, "Revvy" motor and a stick, that can be quite enough entertainment in itself.

Anyway, I made my way to mallwart  and dropped off my items to be repaired. I had the hardest time explaining to the "concierge" ticket writer, that the tire was a directional tire and it needed to be mounted so it was properly orientated to run on the left side of the car. He just couldn't get his head wrapped around any tire that was supposed to rolling a particular direction. Even after I lowered the trucks tailgate and showed him. "Oh , Oh he said" He was thinking that the tire was meant to be mounted on the truck. I explained again and I guess he understood. When I got up and parked next to one of the service lanes, a worker came out and asked what he could do for me. All I had to say was that I had a changeout in the trucks bed. Keys in the ignition and I was going inside to do a bit of shopping. He said a respectful, "yes sir, but with quite a bit of puzzlement in his voice.

I was wearing grey sweatpants, really beat up, old sneakers, and  Kawasaki T-shirt. But since it was in the low 70's, I didn't wear any jacket or windbreaker. I soon realised that was a mistake. The windcheater would be easier for me to hide my figure, which needed hiding, rather than this obvious man with the nice, big boobs. I was wearing one of my old 38C bras that did really mash things down alot,  but there was no hiding what was beneath. I did shave the best I could but without any makeup,  I tipped over to the obvious look of a guy. I tried not to look at the persons I met with but that was not entirely possible. I could see their eyes darting from my chest to my face and seeing their obvious puzzlement that something was just not adding up. Jaws dropped, and mouths hung open just below faces of bewilderment. Sorry to freak all of the good people of New Boston, Tx last night.

I will be making my way to the other, next nearest mallwart store sometime this next week to transfer over my prescriptions and establish it as my new home store. I still haven't decided whether I am going to present as a woman or a man. I know that the original reason for changing stores was to find a safer environment for me when I am being me but this recent trip out in public, albeit without some sort of heavy duty boob masher, proved to me that  I will be unsuccessful trying to pass myself as a dude. And the thought of forcibly pressing down my breasts, for hours at a time, is something that I just know will be exceedingly uncomfortable. And I am not a man!! I don't want to look like one or act like one. And I
am apparently not very good at acting like one anymore. Set the girl free!

I did stop off at the local fish and chips shop to get dinner for mom and me. It was not too crowded for a Friday night and as usual, I passed on the drive-thru experience, and chose to go inside and pick up the goods. I have always liked to go inside to get fast food. I enjoy people watching and just the experience of being somewhere besides the house and my room. Makes me feel like much less of a lazy, dead ass. I feel that the employees respect a walk-in customer rather than a drive thru customer. The middle aged women were more that friendly and we had some nice chats and quips. A  smile and an interest in their job seems to put a face on the customer and employee that makes the transaction more personal, and usually ensures that my order is correct. Last night, she asked if I wanted any ketchup or any other condiments. She loaded me up with a huge bag of ketchup and other things. I was very grateful as their Ketchup is a relative newcomer to fast food, "Red Gold" Very tasty and nicely spiced. Thank you ladies.

I made my way back home in a record 35 minutes and I quickly unloaded the fresh food so mom and I could chow down. After dinner, I began to unload the small load of foodstuffs, and lastly, the new tire. The driveway has a nice slope and the tire raced away from me and plowed into the bumper of my '79 Phoenix and ricocheted and landed in just about perfect place for me to get it mounted.What luck!
Unfortunately, Today was rainy and windy and the new tire hasn't been installed yet. Now my concern is whether the wheel and tire will be stolen. Things do get ripped off occasionally from around here. To have that Item stolen would be quite expensive..

I hope you all have a great weekend.
Love, Julia




Friday, January 13, 2017

Not feeling so Manly.

Hey Y'all

Here I sit on my bed in my favorite gown, ready for some sleep, while winding down with some Big Bang.  I am desperately trying to ignore the fact that I haven't shaved my face, or worn makeup, or been out of the house in 5 days. Nor have I strapped on any cute shoes or a cute blouse. I did spray on some perfume, and yesterday I did wear some leggings and a tank top. With only mom here, and she is certifiably blind, she doesn't notice what I wear. I have even stowed away the mirror that sits on my bedside table, so I wont be tempted to have a peek.
This trying to turn off the new girl and let the old guy back out is killing me. If the hormones didn't change me or perhaps the effect of the hormones change me, as in my personality and how I see myself, the fact that ten years have passed since I began this journey to change my outer self have most definitely changed me. Into a 63 year old woman.  I have had better than good results. But I hadn't realised how much I as a person have changed.

Something deep inside of my psyche has changed. It is not in a way that I have changed how I move around the world in my life. It has changed something deep in my soul. The changes that I made as I was beginning to transition were obvious to me. How I spoke in public, and how I walked and carried myself. Those inner efforts were soon replaced with changes. Not obvious changes but permanent changes in me. Changes that I have realised that really have come from within. The other side of me began to emerge. I began to think more like Julia than Jeff. I also began to change my interests and priorities. Car tinkering? Out. Pretty nails and makeup, Oh Yes, In!

Sitting here relaxing, I suddenly became tense and upset. It was after seeing one girl, Just one girl in a commercial that was wearing some cute wedge sandals tossed me over the edge.

I am the sort that is always looking at how each and every girl that I see on TV, is dressed. I have been doing it for years, way before I even began to start to realise that I was not a true male. I had always admired a pretty girl in cute clothes, but this was something different. I wanted to look like them and wear the same clothes. So began my journey to transition.

I don't know how long I can continue to try to change my looks and manner back to the old me. So far, I have not done so well. To put it in another way, I think ten years of hormones and learning, and living as I was really meant to, have irreversibly killed off the old me. I had sensed that the old Jeff was not as easily recalled as before, but I really think he is dead.

With the hostile law and anti-LGBT sentiment now so prevalent and top of mind in this state, I am both very sad and scared to leave the house.

The Lt Gov of texas is spearheading this bathroom law. He is well aware of what it did to North Carolina and her economy, and he says that he is not worried that it will effect texas in the same way. He thinks that businesses and orginisations will flock to texas and her "woman protecting laws" that he pushed through. He has been warned by sensible business and other organisational groups that it will be a huge revenue loser for the state. He begs to disagree. I am sure that he feels that most everyone else is evangelical like him and if they aren't , they had better wake up and get on board because there is a new sheriff in town.

Until the NFL, and NCAA, and the other orginisations start to leave texas in their rear view mirror, and he begins to feel the pressure from these people losing money, we will be stuck with old "evangelist pat".
Of course, when large orginasitions start to lose money, people will wake up. Money is the great equaliser. And sports is most of the main reason why people live in texas. Sports, from kiddie football, through the two NFL teams we have, Life seems to revolve around the cowboys, at least here in north texas. During this playoff season, as have been in every year since 1962 when we first got an NFL franchise, the local TV news is mostly about football from august until way past the superbowl. I am not a fan but you can't help from noticing that every year, everything becomes football here.
Try taking that away. Trans people will be welcomed everywhere.

Anyway, I will continue to fight this feeling in me. I am still very worried on how I am going to be able to hide these breasts of mine. And how will I feel dressing in men's clothes, when I go out shopping. I won't know how to act. Frown and act tough and pissed off I guess.
And since I haven't repaired either of my cars, I will be driving my brothers super macho, huge, black, expensive, new Chevy truck to the grocery for fresh supplies soon. It will help with my masquerade.

Love always, Julia

Monday, January 9, 2017

I Faced The Facts But I'M Going To Have Alot of Trouble Making Some Of Those Changes

Hey Boys and Girls.

I trust that you are having a fun week. If not, Take your laptop and sit in the bathtub for at least 3 hours. Works for me.

In my last blog post, I told you of the changes in my lifestyle that I was going to have to make to at minimum, be safe while living in this fucking state of texas. They have seen fit to obsess on persons that they consider to be defective or sub human. So if they get their way, medical and emergency personnel will NOT have to treat you if they consider you Transgender, or a woman recovering from an abortion. Such hateful and evil ideas can only come from the ULTRA RELIGIOUS Lt. GOVERNOR DAN FUCKING PATRICK AND HIS MINIONS. I truly wish all bad things for these eat up with "the religious right" douschebag losers.

 Relating back to my last blog entry, I have not had any problem facing the changes that I will have to make just to be able to have the same treatment in an emergency medical situation as other people. I seriously question ANY medical professional that would even THINK of denying a injured or sick person medical attention is beyond my range of imagination. Anyone that would even consider standing by and letting someone possibly DIE because they are not part of the mainstream public, is an idiot and an evil person. If they are following whatever directions they think their god is giving them or doing what they think is the current religiously correct things to do, is beyond the ideals and actions of even the most evangelical,eat up with jesus, proud of their outlandish actions, ultra religious nut.

Since when did christian values include walking over your fellow man when they are sick and injured? I don't think that is what jesus and the bible teaches. It just goes to show what evangelical zeal and group thinking will get you.

Are medical professionals going to start to check and see what is in our underwear before treating us? What of those of us that have had GCsurgey? Starts to sound like the bathroom thing. Are they going to have a monitor check everyone who needs to use the facilities before letting them?

And of course, this is the VERY FIRST AGENDA that the state is working as soon as they went back in session. They have the priorities of a child, or an angry evil person.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO HOW I AM FEELING ABOUT CHANGING MY APPEARANCE AND TRYING TO ACT LIKE A DUDE...
I don't even like the thought of any of it. I like my skinny jeans, and my long blonde hair. Having to wear men's shoes and clothes makes me feel sick. I haven't worn men's clothes in over 10  years. How can a handful of sick people who obviously think that they know what is best for everyone, except it makes a minority of people very uncomfortable, scared, and unhappy?
I guess I will wear baggy men's jeans and no makeup when I have to go out. I haven't felt this upset about anything in years.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Some of the following about texaa loutennant govener dan pactrick was ripped from wikipedia

Some background on " Dannie Scott Goeb" from Baltimore. Raised ,schooled there, went into TV and ended up doing sports in Houston. Not even a native son.

He migrated to owning several sports bars in Houston, eventually all going bankrupt due to allegations of illegal alien employees. In the 1990's, he moved on to hosting an ULTRA CONSERVATIVE RADIO TALK SHOW. Soon after his bankruptcy.

He even looks like some snakey TV preacher.
This paragraph from Wikipedia......................................
 [Patrick "reinvented himself,"[8] becoming a conservative talk radio host in the 1990s.[10] He hosted a conservative radio talk show. The program, Dan Patrick & Friends, was broadcast in Houston on KSEV 700 AM and in Dallas on KVCE 1160 AM.[11][12] Patrick grew very successful and influential through his talk radio career[8][10] and earned high name recognition.[8] As a talk radio host, Patrick advocated for fiscal conservatism, evangelical Christian values on social issues, and he became a very vocal opponent of illegal immigration.[8] One notable decision Patrick made as the owner of a talk radio program was to sign Rush Limbaugh, who was not well known at the time, on his radio station.[10]

 His tenure in politics in texas has included supporting cruz and trump, and immediately upon election as a state senator, he immediately introduced legislation to make abortion illegal in the state. His other laundry list of oppositions include campaigning for rick perry, and creating the texas branch or the tea party. He passionately campaigned for better schools as texas has an average 25% dropout rate (50-55% in inner cities) He did nothing.He is in full support on the wall with Mexico, He was a champion of the "Open Carry" laws passed in the state, he is opposed to all abortion and had mandated ultrasounds for women before abortions, is on a new law to try to establish creationism as part of public school curriculum, he is a staunch fiscal conservative, has opposed illegal immigrants, and has vociferously been an advocate of denying all LGBT persons, same sex marriages, and domestic partners and rights under the law. he is on his second marriage and 3rd name change. He was the campaign chairman for trump with texas only siding for trump by about 9 percent.

So as you see, this nutjob is going to continue to take away the rights that his evangelical beliefs show him to be chosen to do. It will never be any better in texas as long as Austin is full of these freaks that the uninformed and pseudo conservative christians of the state continue to vote into office. Texas will be screwed up for decades.

This is what we have to deal with for the foreseeable future. And a hearty thanks to the religious conservative voters who voted these ringers in office. Makes you wonder if they would have voted for them if they knew what they stood for. UNFORTUNATELY I CAN almost guarantee they knew what they were doing.......... "you know those fags and nancy boys need to be squashed like the bugs that they are".......... You have no idea unless you have hung around these mouth breathing losers.
Love, Julia


Thursday, January 5, 2017

Facing The Facts and Having To Make Some Changes.

Hope the new year is going your way

The evil, full of hate people that the occupants of the state of texas have elected have made life not just inconvenient for LGBT persons, It has made it dangerous ......as in Life or Death.
And don't get sick or injured if you have had an abortion.

A federal judge has ruled that by reason of religious freedom, EMT personnel, Emergency room doctors, and any other medical person can refuse to treat any LGBT person that is in need of medical help. They also horribly included any woman suspected of having had an abortion. Lay there and die. Tough shit.

These people that have made this ruling and are celebrating it, are lower than the lowest. They are violating the basic code of human decency by making this ruling. They are not fit to live on the same planet as other people.

I do not feel safe living in this state. The stupid rednecks are bad enough. The lady that I see walking around wallmart with a bible in her shopping cart, reading scripture while she shops, and gives me hateful, "you need to be killed" looks whenever she sees me, makes my public life bad enough.

I will no longer shop at that particular store. Nor will I present as female in public. A 2-3  week beard will hopefully distract persons from looking at my larger than average breasts. A sports bra will need to be purchased. Meanwhile layers and ace bandages will have to do. Otherwise, they will be a sure giveaway.

I had no problem passing for a guy for 52 years, and now with a little prep, I will now disguise myself for reasons of safety or perhaps to save my life.If I am involved in a traffic accident, I will simply be a curiosity because of my female name and breasts. By then, they will have saved my life.

I really don't want to change my name. I like this one. But male type clothing will have to be purchased. Jeans, baggy T-shirts, etc. Not that different to what my casual wear is now. Just not as fitted. Baggier. No cute shoes. That will hurt.
And my hair is blonde and very long. Perhaps make it Lt. Brown again and keep it in a ponytail. I can handle it until I can move somewhere safe. But that may not be possible until the new prez-goon is out of office. Possibly sooner is he continues to do everything wrong. But pence would be much worse. He is crazy, mean, and super religious.

So are the topics of the day. Safety. Blending in. Although I was only clocked once when I was just starting transition. And there is the bible-reader-shopper. I only saw here during daylight hours and changing stores and shopping in the evening should keep me safe.

Oh well......
Fight the Power
Julia

you will love this...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFHH79RDImk




Friday, December 30, 2016

New Year Plans, and Reminiscing

Hey Cats and Chicks,

Preparing for the new year by total body immersion in alcohol? No? I am proud. Sick and hung over is not the way to start the new year unless you are an American. Drowning out and temporarily forgetting the rest of the country's epic mistake to elect mr. stupid to be president may be a good idea. Sometimes a new light of clarity shows through after a good chemical reset of the brain. But don't make it a habit. Are we cool on this?

I am sure there will be a report that alcohol and tobacco sales have already gone up and will continue to throughout the year. I honestly don't think he will last until summer. The man is clueless. 

The last few days have been very uneventful. My brother and his clan arrived about 11:00 am for the annual big breakfast. A bit late but fine otherwise. My brothers wife's kid has a couple of kids that tried their best to destroy the house but of course, their parents said nothing, Mom and I were constantly having to tell them No, or Stop it, but the scolding had little lasting effect This is where fucked up adults get their start.

To sum up the whole day, Mom had no idea what was going on, kids screaming, and a general cacophony.  Mom removed her hearing aids and I put in my foam hearing protectors. Things got better very quickly.

Santa, the brain dead saint that he is, has ignored my request for a Chevrolet Corvette for about 60 years now. They first came out in the year of my birth, 1953, and since I was about 2 yrs old, I have wanted one. Such are the pitfalls of growing up in a middle class family in Dallas, Texas.

My first car was a 1970 Volkswagen that I bought off of my brother, it being the unwanted chattel of his first failed marriage. Sale price in 1970, MSRP? $1919.00 The US needs to begin selling ultra stripped, no options, basic transportation again.

But a recent news story claimed that people are holding on to their vehicles much longer now days. An average of 10.5 years. High prices, very high insurance,and not so gentle interest rates are compelling more and more to hang on to the old dear. Unless you wreck the shit out of  it, or totally ignore preventative maintenance, the newer cars will last much longer than the older models. Just buy what you want, and take care of it. even repairs starting around maybe the 5 year mark, cannot be more than payments and full coverage insurance.

I have checked around and I can sell my Scion Tc for what I owe on it. I feel that as long as I am living up here and travel so little, a newish car that I do not own outright is a waste. 

Everything that I said that needs to be done, hasn't been done. Flat not repaired, belts for the accord not purchased or installed, but I did wash a load of t-shirts, panties, bras, and shorts because I was down to wearing a nightgown all day. I still haven't washed the towels or jeans or sweats. I did eat about 4 different kinds of chips, countless sodas, and watch innumerable hours of TV. I do not recommend this type of non activity unless you want to ruin your health. I also have been thinking about starting smoking again.

I have been playing some kind of guitar since about 1963. Plinking alot lately. Playing and singing, learning songs, complicated bass lines from Al Dimeola, Stanley Clarke, Jaco Pastorius, and Jeff Beck songs,( I was really into jazz-fusion back in 1975-1980) re-learning 50's and 60's hits and now that we can find those elusive lyrics from those songs that we were just really guessing at,(beach boys seemed to be the worst) and irritating exactly half of my cats. Both girls go running along with their brother whenever they see me grab one off the wall or even if I just pluck a string just to see what key an unknown song is in. But Angel and Buster listen with rapt attention. My human audiences have been fickle also Split about the same percentage over the years. Only people I used to jam with or women that I was dating that were into me seemed to like my playing and singing. But my work on the bass has never been met with disapproval. Nor my guitar work. Finding someone that likes my singing is a difficult task.

Kawasaki KLR 650.


I plan to find the will and the discipline to get a good amount saved so I can buy a Kawasaki KLR 650 dual sport motorcycle. I have had dozens of different bikes over the years and I still have my '72 Honda CB 500 Four but it is becoming nearer to my heart every year and losing her in an accident


would probably be the end of her. She is totally unique, in that no one else ever made a decent 500cc four cylinder like my baby. It's the four separate exhaust pipes that give it that exclusive sound.
So you see that I need a less valuable bike that I can ride on and off the road. That is one of the things about living around here that is good, lots or dirt and gravel roads .And we have 180 acres to putt around on also.
I just wonder what kind of reaction I will get from other motorists when they see a tall girl with long blonde hair riding such a formidable bike.

The 1973 Honda XL 250 motosport.


When I lived in Cheyenne, I owned another CB 500 Four that I had bought in a sad state and did a nice restoration on her. I sold her and got a 1973 Honda XL 250 Motosport, Honda's first real effort in building a true, powerful dual purpose, 4 stroke bike. It was Honda's first bike with a 4 valve cylinder head. A bit heavy, but so nice for riding off road in the mountains west of Cheyenne. I kinda had two different groups that I rode with and the off road guys were the most fun. The street riders all rode Harleys or a Triumph or two. They all had attitudes and hated "rice burners" There was only one other guy with a Japanese bike, a friend with a Honda CB 750. We had such fun hauling ass around those old sportsters, superglides, and Triumph Bonnevilles. And in the tight mountain roads, the four cylinders couldn't be beat.
 I pulled the chain off of my XL 250 and tied the forks to my Volkswagen's bumper, and towed her back to Texas just before I was to be discharged. I had great fun with my first medium size single cylinder "Thumper". The 650 class of singles are really mega thumpers. Honda, Kawasaki, Suzuki, all make similar bikes priced about the same and KTM, and BMW among others sell very expensive, rare, singles in the 650cc range. My last trail bike was a 1973 Honda SL 125. Fun but not really something you could ride very far from home.

!973 Honda SL 125







Anyway.  I have alienated 9/10ths of my reading audience doing this extended walk through Motorcycle stuff, so I will get the fuck out.

Y'all be nice. Love You,
Julia

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Disease or Disorder?

I have mood swings. The professional types call it Bi-Polar Disorder. They now also call transsexualism/transgender a disorder. I call it fucked for life. Either disorder is a bitch to live with alone but together, it is beyond livable.

And just what is the definition of a disorder?

A disturbance of function or structure, resulting from a genetic or embryological failure in development or from exogenous factors such as poison, trauma, or disease.

disorder

An abnormality, alteration, or derangement. See Antisocial personality disorder, Anxiety disorder, Asperger disorder, Arousal disorder, Attention deficit disorder, Autistic disorder, Bipolar disorder, Body dysmorphic disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Central auditory processing disorder, Chromosome disorder, Compulsive personality disorder, Conversion disorder, Cruise-associated diarrheal disorder, Cumulative trauma disorder, Delusional disorder, Dependent personality disorder, Depersonalization disorder, Depressive disorder, Developmental disorder, Disease, Dissociative identity disorder, Dysthymic disorder, Eating disorder, EBV-associated lymphoproliferative disorder, Endometrial disorder, Expressive language disorder, Factitious disorder, Functional disorder, Gender identity disorder, Generalized anxiety disorder, Hearing disorder, Histrionic personality disorder, Identity disorder, Internet addiction disorder, Iodine deficiency disorder, Language disorder, Late luteal phase dysphoric disorder, Lymphoproliferative disorder, Major depressive disorder, Martha Stewart disorder, Mendelian disorder, Mental disorder, Motor speech disorder, Movement disorder, Multiple autoimmune disorder, Multiple personality disorder, Musculoskeletal disorder, Myeloproliferative disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder, Neurodegenerative disorder, Neurogenic communication disorder, Neurotic disorder, Nonmendelian disorder, Obsessive-compulsive disorder, Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, Panethnic disorder, Panic disorder, Partial syndrome eating disorder, Passive-aggressive personality disorder, Post-transplantation lymphoproliferative disorder, Post-traumatic stress disorder, Premenstrual dysphoric disorder, Psychotic disorder, Reactive attachment disorder of infancy or early childhood, Reading disorder, S-100–positive T-cell lymphoproliferative disorder, Schizoid personality disorder, Seasonal affective disorder, Seizure disorder, Sexual pain disorder, Shared psychotic disorder, Silicone-reactive disorder, Single gene disorder, Sleep disorder, Sleep terror disorder, Smell disorder, Somatization disorder, Speech disorder, Swallowing disorder, Syndrome, Taste disorder, Thought disorder, Throat disorder, Thyroid disorder, Urea cycle disorder, Urologic disorder, Voice disorder, X-linked disorder.

AS you can see, the medical community have been discovering disorders at a rapid speed. It seems that a disorder can not only be a mental thing but a whole body system myriad of disorders.
Basically, anything or system that doesn't work perfectly, is a disorder.

Which leaves diseases and trauma.
Did a pathogen or some kind of trauma cause me to be this way?

Or was it because  I was BUILT BROKEN? 

I was born this way. I did nothing to cause myself to change into a disordered person. I remember being a recluse and being sad for no reason as long as I can remember. I remember my early childhood very well.

The sad thing is that the medical community is slow to understand disorders. They used  to think that some diseases were caused by an "Ill Wind", or demons, or the devil. Even when the medical community agrees on a new way of describing  something or figuring out that people can be wild and depressed for no other reason than that their brain chemistry changes, but no one can see that change, So they are grouped together in the type of people to avoid. They used to lock mental patients up forever. Not that long ago either.

As far as gender disorders, the medical community are just now starting to do some solid research. Early findings are that people can be born with a brain that doesn't match their assigned sex. Try to get your average Joe to understand that.

Our schools do an abysmally poor job of teaching children how to function in the world. There are some basic truths and knowledge that every child leaving high school should know.
Here are some things that no one ever taught  my generation.

How to prepare food to minimally survive.
How to plan a budget for your household.
How to manage money as far as purchases and Interest rates, and mortgages, are concerned.
How to shop wisely and not get taken to the cleaners.
How an automobile works. Basic car safety checks, tire air pressure, oil level, coolant, etc..
How electricity works, audio systems, amplifiers, speakers, etc
How to plunge a stopped up toilet.
How the opposite sex is different physically and mentally.
How to treat others.
Or maybe some skill or trade so we could feed ourselves after our parents kicked us out.

Most of these things can be taught over a childhood period of time by a loving and caring parent(s). In school, we were mostly told to shut up, and do menial assignments. Being quiet was paramount. 

There are generations of young people who don't know how to do jack shit. I have cousins in their late 30's that don't even know basic history. I tell them to watch mythbusters, How it's made, and Diners, drive in's and dives. And all documentaries about 20th century history.
If you don't how we got here, how can you prepare yourself for the future?

I am still marooned here in this house with a eternally pissed off mother, and this is not the situation a person of my brain malfunction should be.

more later
Love, Julia

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Xmas Eve Things.

Hey. I hope you are not too exhausted. Have another drink.

I have Re-Activated all of my previous blog entry's. Even the one about the pre -op-non-op girl and sex. It is explicit.

This "Built Broken" HP 15 laptop is continuing to give me fits. The touch pad is intermittent and unreliable. I have tried cleaning it and using different techniques with it but I am going to probably plug in the little adapter that I used for my wireless keyboard /mouse that I had used with my last HP 15 when the space bar went out. This ones is occasionally omitting a space that I punch in. Actually, I glide over the keyboard very silently. Some folks seem to hammer away on the keys.
Also, whenever I am on a web page that has an Adobe Flash feature, My scrolling ability to move the page down just stops. I can go to the task manager and shut off the Flash feature on that page and it is smooth scrolling afterwards. But it only stays off until the page calls for it to start running again. On my last HP15, I got tired of that and uninstalled all of the Flash Player. It was just eating up too much processor power. This unit has a Pentium and the last one has an AMD processor. I see no difference. They both max out when Flash is running. My next laptop, which will be coming sooner than later, will have a much better processor. And more Ram also. The 500gb hard drive is rarely utilised. I just don't store that much info nor do I load up DVD's to my unit.

When I was grocery shopping recently, I picked up some gowns, underwear, and socks for Mom. Things I am sure she will use. Buying for a 92 year old is not easy. I got my brother a variety of spicy sauces and other fine condiments. We both like to drown our food with sauces of varying degree of heat. A sure fire winner there.He also is a huge fan of Green Olives, especially the ones stuffed with a Jalapeno Slice. He will be pleased.

The pharmacy was out of my Spironolactone tablets when I picked up the bulk of my drugs the other night. I haven't called today, but they should be ready soon. I am on Half Rations until they get them. This has happened before.
 I will have to go and install my temporary spare tire on the Toyota Scion Tc to be able to get around any. I was trying to not use it and keep it as new to enhance the retail price when I sell it, maybe sooner than later. But I will have to wait for the New Year to purchase the belts to repair my Accord though. After my holiday shopping, I am flat. And it raining like hell today.

It was nice last night sitting in the bath tub watching some of my new Big Bang Theory DVD. I usually read news stories  and editorials and occasionally watch a movie or a few episodes of "Burn Notice" or "Grounded For Life" the other TV series that I have collected over the years. I do tend to watch "Mean Girls" too often and "The Brothers Mc Mullen". Ialso tend to watch selections from my Doris Day collection. You just can't go wrong with a classic Doris Day feature. I particularly like "The Thrill Of It All" and "It Happened To Jane" Both which I saw when they were new in theaters. I will have to give my parents credit for taking us to some outstanding theater events back in the late 50's and early 60's. I believe that the experiences tended to round out my young personality but now, just admitting I was there then, really shows my age. I was 63 , Oct 31.

AS depressing as that is, I will not add any more fuel to the fire that is burning all around me on this saddest of days. I only hope you have found love, family, and happiness.

Love, Julia

Dear Santa, I want a Kawasaki KLR 650 for Christmas. Please? Thank you and don't work too hard tonight. Love, Julia





Friday, December 23, 2016

Hewlett Packard, Insomnia, and the Big Bang Theory.

Hi. I hope the holidays have been good so far.

For some persons though, The holidays can be the most stressful time of the year. Missing lost loved ones, remembering the "good old days", all can contribute to depression. I am right in the middle of it.

First of all, let me make a statement on the latest HP computer that I got from walmrt. It is a model 15. $300.00. Pentium, 500gb, and windows 10. Real basic for your average Joe.
Here's the deal. They decided to omit the cooling fan to save costs. No shit. After the old Compaq I had, getting my last HP 15 was wonderful. It was quiet , lighter, and ran cool enough to sit on my bare legs. Not this one. It may say that it is a HP 15, it is nothing like my last one. Totally different chassis. USB ports and headphone jack are all reversed. I took off the keyboard just to see if maybe they just didn't turn on the software that runs the fan. Just a big spot where the fan should be. Cost cutting measures like this I cannot understand. I think next year I am going to find another PC and use this one just for music or recording music using my mixers and audio equipment. It is all PC based and uses alot of memory, storage, and processor. It is a bitch to set all of the mics, and cables up just to tear them down after every time I want to record. No Fan. Insanity. I do have my old cooling pad that i used with the old Compaq. It has 2 fans and runs off of a USB port. Better than an overheated unit. It just shuts down with no warning when it gets hot.

Today finds me trying to ignore the internal struggle going on in my head. Lost loves, Lost time, dead parents, Friends, job, my own place, all lost. I finally realised that my mother only speaks to me when she wants something. All questions and statements to her from me are totally ignored. It sucks to be telling your own mother something important, and she turns her head, or sticks the headphones back on her head. She has wireless headphones for the TV and others for her books on tape. She seems to always have one or the other on. And If I make a gesture for her to take them off because I need to speak to her, I am met with angry looks and deep frowns. Rips my heart out.

Yesterday, my mother had a doctors appointment.  I have never been asked to drive her there. Guess why? So no housekeeper, no slamming microwave door, and no loud talking in the Kitchen, which is right next to my room. I slept from about 9:30 am till 5:30 pm. The first time I have slept a decent amount since I can't remember. Most days, I sleep maybe 2 hours in the afternoon, 2 or 3 in the evening sitting in the chair in the room with mother, and an hour or so around midnight, 1 am. I know this is bad for me but I have no choice. My mother falls or slides out of her bed almost weekly. She lays there until she is finally forced to push her Live-net button and call for help.Even with my door open, I could not hear her call me from her room as it is on the opposite end of the house. The last few times, we had to call the paramedics out to pick her up and get her back in bed. I can't pick her up.
So when she is in bed, I am always up and awake. Always listening for another episode. She needs to be put in a nursing home but she says she will never let it happen.
It will happen as soon as I could move out. My brother and his evil mate are "so very busy" and we only see them on the weekends. After the dine out, never to ask us or to offer to bring take out. They are both very selfish people.

I just started collecting the Big Bang Theory on DVD. I got my first one this week. My DVR/satellite receiver has been trying to quit working. It just goes out like when the power goes out. Has to go through its initial startup which takes a bit of time. I also noticed that the piece of shit has been losing some of my recorded programs. It most recently lost all 120(?) episodes of Burn Notice. If I hadn't already bought them on DVD, I would have tossed it in the bin for good. I have been transferring any important programs over to an external hard drive to be ready when it finally burns up and I can call Dish Network out to put another one in. I am not a fan of Dish. Their satellite based Internet is very expensive, and from what I hear and read, they are just the worst company ever to work for . Massive turnover rate. Treat their employees like shit. ....but aren't all companies like that now?

I have been thinking about making a small home based, renewable power source. Just enough to run the electronics, and the lights in my room. A small solar array, maybe a wind turbine, and of course the batteries and inverter. It will not be connected to the house wiring. There are many reasons for me to seriously consider doing this.
We have blackouts weekly. Flickering current, brownouts, and those metered shutoffs that happen for exactly one or two hours. We are on the end of a long power grid. I mean my brother is actually the last person on the line. The power is sold by a Co-Op that buys it from the Dallas power grid, over 150 miles away. This stretch of road was the last 5 miles of farm road to get electricity back in the early 1960's. This part of the county was not populated by more than a few farmers until the 1970's. there are three other "end of the line" situations within a few miles of here. There is power coming into this area from Shreveport, La, Tyler Tx, and a grid known as Texas-New Mexico power that I know little about. None of then interconnect. And they are all unreliable being end of the line runs.

And my mother says she is going to start charging me for rent and utilities. At 93 yes old, is that dementia, or just hate. She accepts my transitioning but I know she doesn't like it. If I am not dressed in female specific clothes with makeup, I look petty much the same as I always have. I putter around the house in T-Shirts, sweats, and shorts. The long hair and the breasts do give me away though. They are not small and impossible to minimise. She says she can't see but sometime I wonder...........

My other reason for wanting my own power source is I am not that sure that our economy will not crater out under the new administration. Or maybe massive inflation, or power companies just going out of business. I saw Michael Moore on MSNBC with Lawrence O'Donnel last night and although his prognosis of life under the new guy is bad times, he failed to make any particular cold and hard predictions on any future events. Just that it will happen, and it will probably continue to get worse.


About this blog entry, I will check for errors later. I am getting kinda lightheaded and weird from lack of sleep. More later.

Love, Julia

Thursday, December 22, 2016

TWO of my older post seems to have become more relevant and serious............

Our future head of government went off today and started talking some crazy shit about nuclear weapons. I don't need to tell you that he is insane.

Just reread my earlier post about this ominous situation. And pray.

Or maybe all of us find some way of getting him and Pence out of Washington.

He is not making any friends with the Jewish people either. Pray some more.

Love always, Julia

Daily Decisions. Persistent Questions.

My mothers moron housekeeper has slammed the microwave door about 10,000 time this morning. She is 34 and has very limited experience in kitchens. When my mother asked her to cook a pot of pinto beans, we learned she has never cooked anything more than soup from a can. It seems her mother never kept a house either. 

Do I get out of bed or just lay there, seething in my anger,

The only chair that I can sit in in the living room is broken. My father wore out the lay-z-boy years before I moved up here. The way he sat down was akin to dropping a 180lb sack of dad in the chair with no finesse or grace. that was dad.

The springs in the bottom were fatigued. My fat ass finally broke them. But I still manage to fall asleep in it daily.

Do I have my wakeup soda or do I go for the lemon-aid today?

(I just realised that this blog entry has turned into quite a rant. Sorry. Just stating facts.)

I watch Buster Kitty chase crickets daily it seems. The mild autumn has left us with a bumper crop and it is his job and pleasure to chase each one, pounce on it until it is without limbs. or just beats it to where it will surely expire within hours. He is big, black, strong, and as fun as a year old cat can be. Everything is new, all of the other cats are easy prey. The other boys race him but my girls will have none of it. He usually makes a low pass near them and comes back for the hit. He never has a chance. Usually a single swat will fix his wagon. He slinks away.

I am sick to death of commercials for prescription drugs for people that have psoriasis. I don't have it. I don't think that you can catch it because I think it is an autoimmune disease. Every channel. They must have an incredible advertising budget. I am sure their unbelievable high cost to the consumer will cover our misery of the repeated airings.I have even seen them on Nickelodeon.  Is this something children are concerned with? Psoriasis, irritable bowel syndrome, diabetes, and cancer are big moneymakers for the drug companies. These prescription drugs are only for a narrow audience. But they spend billions on TV spots. And we have to pay out the ass for them. I wonder if anyone has actually ever said to their doctor, " Is Latuda right for me? "  They seem to want everyone to ask their doctor.

Is WTBS going to air 3 hours of Big Bang tonight? Quite a few nights are filled with Sheldons childishness and those earlier episodes are filled with Kaley's enviable figure. Something that they no longer "feature" on the show. So long to tank tops and tight pants and short dresses.....There is a huge love hate thing going on there. Of course, I have 217 episodes on the DVR and many times before I try to fall asleep, I cue up a dozen or so to bore me to sleep and hit autoplay.  Familiarity equals boredom, in most later episodes.
And in one episode the girls are all at Kaley's apartment while Amy F Fowler (Mayim Bialik, Blossom, My Favorite girl on the show) readies for a date. She slips off her heels and asks  Penny if she can borrow some of her higher heels as the guy she is seeing is quite tall. Here comes the male written dialog that a woman would never say......."Oh, I threw out all of my tall ones (heels) after Leonard and I got married"
No woman in the world, that is normal, would ever say that,

Quick, what color are Penny's eyes?

I have developed what is called an "Enhanced Startle Response'" I scream every time I am startled. MY mom thinks I am faking it. Truth is  I am so nervous, and constantly on the defense because of the continual daily hammering I get from mom. Two women in a house that used to be run by her but now she is too feeble but she will not relinquish any control to me. Of course, being alone approximately 20 hours a day, in alot of silence, has kinda conditioned me to get used to it being quiet. And she is the loudest, 92 year old woman anywhere. No manual action is done with any finesse or grace. And I creep around here like a monk. Jumpy just barely begins to describe me.

I went to get massive groceries tonight. All I got from the experience was a car full of food, and a wrenched knee. The same one I tore up back in 1974-75 that was subjected to an outdated surgery courtesy of the USAF, and it has gotten progressively worse through the years. It gets old.

I also lost both of the "fan" belts on my baby Accord tonight. That's what I get for buying off brand shit from AUTOZONE back 5 years ago. ( please realise that I have put about 1500 miles on her since the refurbishment)  Their parts are overpriced and very cheaply made. Take it from me. Now I will have to find some quality belts online, possibly from the Honda dealer in Rhode Island(?) that I have done business with before. Quick delivery and no tax or shipping. My Cassandra (her name) deserves the best. I sparked home on the battery which at only a few weeks old, was not a problem. But replacing the belts on that particular, sideways mounted engine, is no picnic. Meanwhile, I am rockin' the old shoeleather express. My Toyota Scion Tc still sits in the driveway with a flat with four new tires in the house ready to install, and my 79 Pontiac Phoenix has a bad brake booster. I have a replacement but it also, is a bitch to replace. But the old girl runs. She always runs. Small block Chevrolet powered hot - rods never have any problems. Well, mine never does. She stops also, with both feet mashing the brake pedal as hard as I can. OK on the highway, but not for city use. I need to get busy and do some repairs.

Bi-Polar disorder makes it impossible to get things done. I just sit at home, staring at the wall, not doing shit. Being transgender is limiting enough. And I am not exactly a kid anymore. Age really slows you down.

Nothing more for now. I am just hanging on, trying to get through the holidays, and dealing with my mothers mood swings. She is very bi-polar, just like her youngest kid, Me. But she doesn't recognise it and cannot understand her moods which is something we m/d people have to learn lest we piss off everyone we come into contact with. I learned long ago when to stay home in the closet and when to restrain myself when I am in a manic tear. And drugs never really helped me. Zoloft was a non working compound as was lithium carbonate. Dr pepper, chips, and Mexican food work much better. And playing guitar helps alot too. On that same subject, I finally found out the cause of the mangled nail on my left pinkie. It just seems to crumble unlike most of my other nails. A few years ago, I shattered the large joint on that finger trying to hold up an entire motorcycle with one finger. (not on purpose) The joint just exploded. I have had a time getting it loosened up enough to play accurately and properly. all good players use all 4 fingers. I had to relearn to play through the pain until it became acclimated to holding down strings again. One bad nail is worth the price.

Enough. Be safe out there. Act nice.
Love, Julia

Listen to this.       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=is4NQkUN3AI         

Xmas radio fun from back in my day.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Words and Things

Having fun yet? Does it get better?


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Additional info, about 12 hours after posting this........................

I happened to look at the STATS pages for my blogs. I haven't written much lately. But it seems my blog was/is getting quite a bit of attention from the former Soviet Union. In light of recent revelations of hacking and illegal activities by the Russian Government, I am taking my blog posts off line until further notice. I have always been a bit trepid and shaky about sharing very personal information about myself and my life with the public.
I will not delete this blog, I will leave a placeholder so it will stay active and I may continue to post info and stories of a more benign nature. Thanks. Julia
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At least it is winter here in North America.
Hot weather sucks.
But what we call winter here in south central USA isn't even close to what the northern states are experiencing. Send some down here.

I lived in Cheyenne for 2 years back in the 1970's. Had a '73 Volkswagen and I was never bothered by inclement weather. I had grown up in Dallas where I had snowed maybe 4 times in my life. I still like snow.

I had a tire blowout on the Scion Tc. Left rear. Actually, it was the only "good" tire on the car. A Pirelli P7 Centurato. The others are some Uniroyal cheap things.
I have only put about 1500. miles on the car since I bought it a year ago last September. I don't get out much.
I wasn't about to try and put on the spare as it had rained quite alot recently and the roadsides were very soft and wet. So I drove on the grass while the car idled in first gear, I knew the tire was ruined but the deflated casing would protect the 17'' alloy wheel and I was only about 5 miles from home. 8 pm on a weeknight. Never saw another car.
The Scion has sat on the driveway since then. I really don't want to put the,  here to unused, "temporary tire" on the ground as it is new and pristine and I hope it will help elevate the price when I sell it. Which may be sooner than later.
I went home and put the battery charger on my 91 Accord. The battery had began to fail back in the spring at precisely the batteries 3 year birthday. It was a 36 month battery. I knew it could hold a charge long enough to get to town and get a new one. Wallmatrrt "installed" a new one with a nice 5 year warranty.
The old girl actually drives nicer than the "special" Toyota does. I had done extensive renewal and refurbishment procedures on her after I got her. Brakes, shocks/struts/wheel bearings, timing belt, water pump, brakes, tires, etc. She drives remarkably well for having 269,000 miles on her. Honda builds them tough. Still gets over 30 MPG. Not bad for a $300 craigslist car.
All of this wouldn't be so stupid if I didn't have a new set of tires for the Tc here in the house. I just had not gotten around to having them put on yet. Still haven't.

I have greatly altered my TV schedule. Nothing but bad news about idiotic things our president elect is planning on doing as soon as he get inaugurated. But that may not happen.

I am getting my news on line now. If I have to hear and see that motherfucker again, I may pull an Elvis and shoot the TV. Somebody needed to punch that bullies lights out in an earlier year of his life. Now at 70, he thinks he is smarter than everyone else. Those who voted for him will soon realise their mistake and those who didn't will still have to suffer.

We were told that society was going to progress and life would get better as we grew older. It isn't happening because somebody forgot to study and get an education and someone else didn't take the opportunity to punch out the people who are against common sense and decency. Republicans. To me, saying that word is like the feeling I get while I puke.

And why doesn't Mitch McConnell just come out already?

The big bang theory has "Jumped The Shark" It really is suffering now. As are it's viewers. I just found that "Hill Street Blues" has been released on DVD. I need that series. But for $115.00?  And no closed captioning? Pass.

Every time my brothers wife sends some concoction down here for us to eat, we get sick. 3 times now recently. ........I had gone to get supplies tonight and I was hit with the "sister-in-laws revenge" after about 5 minutes in the door. I drove back home, without any supplies other than cat food. 70 miles of driving for nothing. My gut still hurts. And I have to try and go back asap because we are getting down to bare shelves.
My mother seems to be fading away faster every day. She can't remember anything. Loud shouting is the only way she can understand me. She says that I mumble? I was an on air radio personality for over 15 years and I am sure my diction is outstanding......sour grapes........ Getting old sucks for everyone. You had better Wang Chung while you can. There are no chances to repeat those past chapters.
A 2008 Toyota Scion Tc

I am planning on selling the Scion soon. For as little as I drive, a newish car is just a waste. And the Honda is very nice to drive and needs nothing and is so much cheaper to own and drive.

I was on the old Yahoo Messenger a few years ago and someone asked me what I liked to do for fun. This stopped me cold in my tracks and sent me on a mind quest that I had not ever contemplated before.  I have always worked at something in my adult life as my way of fun or a hobby. Cars, motorcycles, house maint. All of my activities seemed to be some kind of work/hobby. I guess that so much of my life has been spent alone, I had just learned how to only do things that did not require any one else. One thing that I did really like to do was ride my motorcycle. I haven't been riding in 25 years.
And watching TV is killing me. It's the commercials. the same ones for years now. How stupid do they think we are? I try to watch only time shifted shows that I record on the DVR. Zap those commercials out.Why do I need to be told about some I V  drug for psoriasis or some other thing that I am never going to suffer with. Enough already.

Justin Hayward is my all time favorite vocalist. He is also very cool.

Kawasaki and Suzuki have a few bikes that look interesting. So do BMW, and Ducati but we have to be realistic, don't we?

No more beef stew or casseroles from the evil one. Watching Mila Kunis on That 70's show keeps my head in the clouds. Kelso, Hyde, and Fez are actually much more fun that Leonard, Rejesh, Howard, and SHELDON.
 I say that we start using the word SHELDON  instead of shit from now on. 'I think one of the cats just took a SHELDON in it's litter box. What have I been feeding them?

Anyway, keep your head down. Cook all foods to at least 160 degrees to kill all pathogens. I am shooting for around 200. Mila wears the cutest things....and her shoes!..  so cute

I hope you survive the "holidays"

Love, Julia

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKFJbSzhovk


Friday, November 25, 2016

Shame The Devil

Robin Trower wrote this back in 1975. It is so relevant today. We all know who the devil is. You asked for it, you got it. Well, the "Low Information Voters" did. It will get worse.
Here is some hope.


Theres a time, for living
And a time for love
Theres a time, for forgiving, yall
And a time to shove
Ohh theres more, won then lost
More hoping here to spare
And its waiting, waiting
Don't ya spend your whole life hesitating
Come and tell the truth
Shame the devil

Theres more, light then dark
Honey shining down on you
More despair, then what you got
And baby you'll need the truth
This whole world, has had enough
Of people giving up
And its waiting, waiting
Don't you spend your whole life hesitating
Come on tell the truth
Shame the devil

And its waiting, waiting
Don't spend your whole life hesitating
Come on tell the truth
Shame the devil
Don't you know that its waiting, ah waiting
Don't you spend your whole life hesitating
Come on, let loose
Shame the devil

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

My Family,....Everyone,.... They Knew. About 50 Years Before I Knew.......

Hey Y'all

I hope you have recovered sufficiently from the nightmare that happened last Tuesday. Anyone in the UK or Canada feel like renting me a room for at least the next four years?
I know that I am going to get tired of swimming around in this toilet soon and other than locking myself away for the next  4-8 years, I am clueless.

The random acts of antisemitism and anger against the LGBT community will continue and surely get worse. Churches, and Mosques are being vandalised and no one seems to give it a second thought. I haven't been out of the house in weeks. I live in mega redneck country. They are heavy in hatred and ignorance, and off course the beer cooler is always full, but they are very light in education, life skills, and there aren't many diplomas to be seen anywhere. They don't need no schoolin to know how to get drunk, or to beat the shit out of someone. They especially don't like anyone who isn't like them.
I promise you as soon as you put one of these things on your head, you will lose 50 I.Q. points


It seems that the new administration hadn't thought things through before doing what they did to get the job. Now they are faced with running a country and from what I have seen and heard today, they are absolutely clueless. His wild ideas and lack of direction will most likely hurt the very same people who were so enthusiastically vulgar about getting him elected.

Choosing a good, safe time to visit the local Valdemoort has become foremost in my mind. During the daytime is when the most people are there and it is when I have gotten the most hateful looks and unkind words from the locals. Evenings seem better. That is when most of the local minorities, misfits, unwed mothers, and beer buying fuckups seem to be in the store. 
And I assure you these do not increase I.Q. points.

Anyway, I got the new HP and it seems that this model seems to have problems with overheating. That is to be expected because the cooling fan has never come on since I have had it. I dread sending it in for repair even though I know it is probably a software problem. Shit,

Getting to the story about the heading here, it was so obvious that my parents and others knew that I was different from a very early age. I have extensively reviewed my life. When I was a kid, I never did the usual boy shit. nothing. I was content to learn the piano, guitar, and I was also a crazed nIt at xmas time. I decorated everything. I was insatiable. But 1972 xmas season was my last with the decorating and the big  fir tree. And the innocence. I knew I was about to get drafted.

My brother is 6 years older than I am. He was not a sports nut, rarely tossing a ball around with the neighbor kids his age. But by most accounts, he was never suspected of being less than all boy. I, on the other hand, gave no one any signals other than I was going to grow up and be a gay man. My parents never asked me if I wanted any sports equipment, and my brother, nor anyone else never invited me to toss a ball around. They knew. Yes, they knew.
This is what your brain looks like after a lifetime of tossing these around.

I remember Thanksgiving and xmas days that my mothers entire local family would gather at my grandparents house way on the other side of Dallas near Love field.  This was a 45 minute drive for us as we lived on the extreme east side of Dallas.

There are nine kids in my mom's family. Dozens of cousins, and a loud television tuned the Dallas Cowboy game (at least since 1962. Before then, I know they watched something but I have no clue.) MY grandfather was born in 1888 so in 1960, that would have made him 72 years old. He was always old, white headed, and deaf as a gourd. Hence, the loud Television. LOUD.

My grandfathers house had an empty home lot next to his house that he owned. It was a great place for football. ALL of my cousins loved to play ball in that safe, not in the street, place every holiday. I was nowhere to be seen. Actually, some of my female cousins would gather in a bedroom and talk and I always seemed to ease my way in with them and sit quietly. There was  absolutely nothing else I could do other than help the women prepare the holiday feast. Little boys weren't invited into the kitchen. And there was no way I was going to hang out anywhere near the LOUD TV.

A few years, I do remember walking up and down the street, just to get away from the noise. It did give me a chance to check out my relatives current cars, The only time I was to be found and fetched into the house was when the meal was ready. This holiday ritual went on from sometime in the mid 1950's until I went away in January, 1973. I don't remember any further holiday tortures after I was out of the USAF. I am sure their were some but I was busy working, and living in my own place  in Dallas. My grandfather held on until 1980. My mother is the only child that has outlived him. She will be 93 in March.

Our family was never really very close. I never saw anyone other than at the holidays. My mothers oldest sister and her family were very close with ours and we went on many vacations, excursions, and weekend cookouts. I learned alot about cooking barbecue and all of the wonderful side dishes that mom and my aunt would cook up. I still make those special dishes regularly. My aunt and uncle were wonderful to me as was their son who was my brother age. He was much like a second brother to me.

The block where I grew up was mainly filled with girls. This was great until a guy close to my age moved in when I was about 13. We spent countless hours sitting in lawn chairs, under our big Pecan tree, playing guitar and talking about girls. We were obsessed with butts and boobs and making out and learning the latest song on the radio. I remember alot of Guess Who, Creedence, and Beatle songs. He had a $10 guitar from K Mart and I had a $19 Sears guitar. We played those monsters until the windings came off the strings and because of the poor workmanship, we had the worlds toughest callouses on our fingers. My grip on my left hand was incredible. Then we only would buy one new string. That lawn mowing money didn't go very far.
I played it until the frets went flat

Danny was a sportsman and a gifted baseball player. His summers were becoming more filled with baseball stuff until about 1971 when they moved. Their house was the house on our block that was never owned by anyone and was always rented out. Soon, I was working alot, and getting ready to graduate High School.

It seemed the older I got, the less it was pointed out that I was a non sports person. I was proud to be different. I loved girls, and I was becoming quite the car mechanic. I am sure the no sports, girls, and mechanics thing confused more than a few people.I thought it was a nice combination.

Anyway, another peek into my past. I hope some of you can relate. Those same cousins are the same ones that have now excommunicated me from all others. I honestly think that they would have been more friendly to me if I had robbed a bank or some other felony. Turning into a felon they could understand. Not turning into a woman.

At least try to be nice to people you meet and work with.

Love, Julia



Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Life as we knew it may soon end. Dumbpf and nuclear weapons. A Lethal mix.

A living nightmare has occurred. The idiots, stupid fucks, and pissed off losers have elected  one of their own. With a house and senate all red, he will be unfettered to destroy our country and democracy as an invading army could possibly do. But he will do it in plain view for the world to see.

Yes Hillary is a bad candidate. She has faults and a shitty record. Not perfect.  But she would have at minimum, led the country toward a continued prosperity. She knows government. She was qualified.

He is qualified for nothing. Since when do people hire someone to the highest office in the country, a person with no experience, and no real desire to make life better for all of us. He's in it for the applause. But I am afraid that  the applause will soon turn to hatred and death threats as soon as Joe Sixpack gets a taste of how he and pence will fuck up the country for probably all but the richest assholes.

Foreign leaders have all denounced him. They all think that our country has gone crazy. And the new prez's supporters were crazy to start with. Uneducated, angry, and unhappy that all of the menial labor jobs are all overseas. That can be blamed on the corporations greed to make more profit so stockholders will get richer. The rich and their lawmakers that they bought seats for in the congress, will do the bidding of their owners, the richest campaign contributors, usually large corporations. They will continue to move jobs offshore, make obscene profits, and pound the common people into the ground.

The social and economic storm that approaches will be unprecedented. Building walls, hauling off entire groups of people, both Muslim and illegal aliens, and the budget projections for all of his wild programs will put us in debt to a level perhaps quadruple of our own massive current debt.

Get rid of the social security program, gut education funding (one of the reasons we have a country of morons now),  and whatever other social programs that people need to stay alive and keep their dignity. The sheer hate and venom shown by the winning people will grow, and it will infect the mild and moderate of us as society begins to become more dog eat dog and no one will care. Everyone will be fighting for their next meal and whats left of their lives as chaos and hatred builds like a chain reaction until we have a true revolution. Even the so called winning team tonight will grow to regret their actions by electing this beast of a man. He will drag all but the richest down to a scared and angry society probably ruled by martial law. Those gun lovers with their AR-15's and massive rounds of ammo will quickly fall to a platoon of Marines or an Army squad in a tank or armored personnel carrier. The military has the firepower. Joe shotgun will not last 10 minutes.

But the most horrendous possibility that now exists is old donny getting offended, which happens daily it seems, and he flies off the handle and rolls out the military to some innocent country overseas and starts a war of some type, or the nightmare scenario, he will have all of our nuclear forces at his command.

I need not tell you that if a nuclear exchange begins, we all lose. All society in the northern hemisphere will either be exterminated, or if the exchange is limited to a few , and I mean 5 or so weapons, the poisoning of our air, water, and the death of food crops, and animals will soon starve us all.

I have been a scholar of all knowledge I can find about nuclear weapons and their effects. I was born just 8 years after we ended WW2 with 2 weapons. They were firecrackers compared to what we have now. Most people have not been exposed to photos and films of the aftermath of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It was more than horrific. Those of you younger than me do not remember the scare of the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962. Nor did you grow up with the spectre of total annihilation like we did during the cold war. It was scary in the 1960's.

But my experience working on Minuteman Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles in 1973-1975 put a shock and fear into me and changed my life forever.

I was a very aware, and a smart kid back then at the age of 9-10 and I studied about the effects of a possible nuclear war. I knew what to expect. I watched informational films about building a fallout shelter at your home. Fallout is all of the dirt and shit that gets sucked up into the nuclear fireball, becomes highly irradiated, and it "Falls Out" of the sky in various concentrations, for miles around ground zero. It will kill you. Ingesting any of that crap will cause a horrible death from within as all of your systems are killed by the radiation.

Back in the early 1970's, the government stopped designating fallout shelters in public buildings, and stopped educating people how to build fallout shelters or even how to get in your car and flee the big cities. The new, smaller, easier to launch hydrogen weapons were so powerful, that being in a shelter was useless. So was running away to the next county. Maybe a few hundred miles away would help but since an ICBM launched from anywhere can reach it's target in less than 30 minutes, there is no use in running, or hiding. Now days they say the people killed instantly will be the lucky ones. Those with radiation sickness will die agonizing deaths.

I will leave you with this. There have been alot of movies, and such over the years that have shown missiles being launched that the people doing the launching somehow had a "Destruct" button that could be pushed and the freshly launched missile would harmlessly blow up. Please know that it is pure Hollywood. When a missile is launched, it will reach its target, 100% accurate and 100% reliable. Our missiles have been upgraded over the years since I worked on them and since they have solid fuel, and are always ready to launch, .....just know that they always work. They carry our latest nuclear warheads. And there is no recalling them. No way. Ever. The guys that actually turn the keys in the launch control facilities will perform their duty, no matter who the president is. They are that well trained. They will kill millions, without any hesitation. These men and women have been watching and waiting for the call to launch since about 1962 when the first missiles came on line. Two people can launch up to 50 missiles if needed.  Each 10 missiles have their own launch crew. They are linked to another 4 crews and they monitor each other constantly. If need be, two people can launch them all. And their is no calling them back.

I believe that there will be some grassroots efforts to impeach the president before he can kill us all, Join that movement. This madman, Mr. easy going, no temper idiot will burn us all to a crisp just because his buddy Putin insulted him. He is easily insulted. God Help Us.

I don't know what to say than it will be sad if the ignorant and pissed off public ends life as we know it. It can happen so easily. Stay aware but realize that  there is no hope if a war starts.
Love your family, and dog, and car, and life even more now because we may so easily lose it all in a flash of an exploding Thermonuclear weapon. Get your life in order NOW. I am not kidding here.

Love, Julia

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Election Day Finally

Hi everyone.

Hope you are ok

Sick of candidates esp cry baby donnie. Many books will be written about his psychoses.  He needs a few years in a rubber room. His whining will get worse after he loses. Blame every one as a cheater. Whole country corrupt. everyone is lying. What a loser.

After last blog entry, I got older and now got a new comm. terminal. HP again.

I have been dealing with my shattered kneecap. The same one that dislocated in '73 and '74 that got me a discharge from USAF. But this hurts much more than the dislocation events and the subsequent surgery.

But I will have really buff arms after 6  weeks of crutch use.

Reminds me of the bad old days. I got quite good on them back in '73-'74. Fast. Not now.
boo
I hate this windows 10 so far.

I had to get my brother to shop for me and mom. It would have been easier to pull pin feathers out with your fingers.

You see, he is busier than everyone else. I finally was asking him if I could pay someone ttake me to the store. After a bunch of ridiculous ideas, he finally woke up and went sunday afternoon. Half ass job he did after my detailed list was accepted and he was off.

You can't drive with a long cast and a 5 speed in my Scion. He suggested I drive my 79 Pontiac with an auto trans. It currently has a bad power brake booster. Takes both legs to stop. New vacuum booster sits on the floorboard, uninstalled. Been there over year.

I will be driving it to the polls tomorrow.. 8 miles of rural roads to the local methodist church.

this hp is malfunctioning badly. The cursor dissappears and I can only type a character every 5 seconds or so.

I am out of here.

lv, Julia