I hope your day has gone nicely so far.
After my creation of this blog early on Tuesday morning, I felt it best to dump a bit more crap on the already overloaded internet.
I hope I don't start to look upon this outlet for my thoughts as a job; a burden or a dog that bites at the hand that feeds him to feed him daily if I don't pay him attention.
That means, don't worry if I skip a day ot two(week?)
I have days where I do not speak , or do anything other than drink some kind of liquid, and pee. That is the reality of a life of a depressed(clinically, certified) person.
Believe me, you don't want me writing anything on those days.
I have had a few blogs before and those blog entries that I deposited on those black days, did not do anyone, other than me, any good. And I can't say that it really did me any good. Depression is a condition that has no fast and sure cure.
I usually wake up pissed at the world on those days. For an answer, think fucked up brain chemistry.
I am fortunate that I never was one to self medicate to change the moods that I an blessed with. I am sure that by now, at my age, I would be a chronic, hopeless, dying person, my body ruined with substance abuse. No, I had to deal with this in an honorable way, with little help, and a subsequent extending of my life as opposed to an early death from drugs or drink.
Unless things get better, this will not be considered a blessing in having a long life. Maybe a short dazed and confused life of self abuse would have been preferable.
Before you rush to judge, I did the psychiatrist, psychologist route from 1988 till 2005 with the Veterans Administration. Zoloft and Lithium ever really helped. After the VA became flooded with Gulf War victims, appointments were becoming harder to get and I did feel quite a bit of guilt in using an appointment, that was pointless, denying another veteran more needing of more urgent help.
Also, the Social Security people suddenly bestowed upon me, a very generous drug program that was amazing. I was paying over $25 bucks, per prescription, to the VA. Per month. The bush administration heaped that burden on we vets.
Amazing enough, I only pay about $15 per month for all of my co pays. And that's for 10 separate prescriptions. Not to mention that the VA would not pay for any hormones or androgen blockers that I had started around 2001. I am transgender. I know, a retired, bi-polar, transgender, disabled veteran. Enough labels. Being from Texas seems to be a big enough target on my back these days anyway.
More about my being transgender later.
Could "JOHN DAVIS" OF MOTORWEEK, be be more irritating? that vacant voice, that tired, monotonous delivery? Well, it's PBS and I still watch it. But he is such a lame presenter. I know, I am not supposed to criticize anyone unless I could do better. Well, I know I could do better.
My head is filling with concrete. thoughts are slowing. I have to be up tomorrow to see my doctor in Dallas for my bi-annual prescription renewal and blood test. And that is 160 miles away from my room here in the rural crotch of north east Texas.
These trips always give me the opportunity to eat at a nice Mexican restaurant in Dallas, Walk around NorthPark Center, and maybe a snack at Taco Bueno or Carls Jr. for the trip back home. We don't have such luxuries here in this stinking pit of Texas.
I still have to do hair washing, and mind aligning to get myself prepared mentally to deal with being in public. Other than monthly, late night trips for groceries, I don't go much of anywhere.
I am so different than who I was back in the 1900's when I lived in Dallas. In not just gender, but in the confidence to face the fast and mean world of life in the big city. And of course, EVERYTHING I DO IS BY MYSELF. It has gotten old, and scary with all of the trans hatred flying around this part of the world.
Anyway, thanks for visiting me here.
Spread some love and happiness wherever your day may take you.
Love,
Julia
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