Friday, June 16, 2017

Fear.

Hey strangers. How you been?

I doubt that only 20-40 of you that have read my blog entries over the last two years that I have been writing them, But there was a story line that I was writing about living in Texass and being frightened to go out and do what's necessary in public. We have a bunch of really pious, extra religious idiots (Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick) running things down in Austin. They really hate LGBT people and are very concerned about where we transgender people go to piss. Someone has to save the women and children from the hoards of trans-people staking out bathrooms all over the state, hiding in the stalls, ready to pounce on their loved ones. Even writing these words in jest causes a wave of puzzlement to flow over my mind. Who are all of these people who like to dress up as women, hide out, and attack women. Why? Has this ever happened? Has no one ever looked at the lives of transgender women?(I wrote this blog entry over 3 months ago.)

WE girls go to extraordinary lengths to look as female as possible so we can blend in seamlessly with the general population. This takes years of work, money, training, and enough courage to move an aircraft carrier fast enough to water ski behind. Some girls are lucky enough to figure out that they are trans when young. Observation has shown that it is easier to transition, the younger you begin. Youth has it's advantages. It gets more difficult the older you are when you begin. I began when I was 50. But good genes were on my side and I feminised quite easily over the years and never seemed to draw any unnecessary looks or anger. I had enough naturally feminine mannerisms and gestures to dovetail nicely into my new image and persona. I never felt that I was acting, I was just being myself and not having to try to remember to try to act manly. I was never any good at it and it was so easy to just relax and embrace my new feminine image and allow myself to grow into the woman that I apparently was meant to be.(see my Jan 19 blog, I faced the facts.....)

But the ignorant know it all's in our state government (Texas) have decided to make things tough on all of us who are different and dare to challenge the norms of what they and society has determined to be acceptable as far as gender and appearance are concerned. Because they can't possibly begin to understand what it is like to feel like that they would be more comfortable allowing themselves to even imagine that they might be happier living their lives as someone of the opposite sex/gender.
People that I have come out to have all declared that they have NEVER imagined or ever wanted to be/live their lives as a person of the opposite sex. Never even crossed their minds. If this is true of the general population, then it is going to be virtually forever to get to the point to where the government and it's legislature will ever let transgender people live and be accepted.
Not in my lifetime.

Julia Marshall

Monday, April 17, 2017

Going out, attitude adjustment, and Other things.

Hey y'all

I hope you are hanging on tight. Things seem to not looking like they are going to get any better or easier anytime soon.

I won't even dig in and start any serious talk about the current president. He is crazy, unstable, petty, and vindictive, not to mention outright stupid. As he removes hard fought after protections on our economy, cleanliness of the air and water, and focuses on doing grandiose things that make him look tough, we, as a whole, are powerless. I just hope that the country, as a whole, is resilient enough to not fall before we can find a way to get rid of him. I have even considered praying to some entity for divine intervention lest this country ceases to exist. Bully trumfp seems convinced that bullying his way around the world is preferable to diplomacy and acting like a decent human.

On a personal level, I have become more sedentary, angry, sad, and hopeless. If my life situation is to ever change, it would take the death of my 93 year old mother. I am stranded here until she dies. She has become more out of touch with life and reality. She believes no one and is combative if told otherwise. Most times she is content to listen to her books on tape, sleep, and ask me and my brother the craziest questions and argue when we answer. She will not ask anyone for help wit anything. This results in her not being able to even get a can or bottle of soda as she is unable to open it, but with me only feet away, she will ask for no help and will accept no assistance.
The tension here is pea-soup fog thick. I am not used to this atmosphere and the pressure and it is having a toll on my health, both physical and mental. I can only selfishly pray that her lord will take her soon and free me to move on but that little good side, inside of me chastises me and just makes things worse. Although after some of the screaming arguments we have, I wish for those life events to accelerate greatly.

I have rarely been out of the house for the last 4 months. My brother has been doing my grocery shopping for me. I feel blessed to have him to help, although I feel very guilty. I think he realises the danger of my venturing out of the house to go to a public place in light of the states (texas) evangelical fervor to pass as many anti-trans and other laws that will keep we different people either at home or force us to outwardly change to suit the ignorant rednecks that make up the vocal majority of the public. This area is lousy with dumb shits, beer stores, pick up trucks, and all sorts of dirty looks whenever I went out in public last.

I am able to change my outward appearance and look like my old self quite easily. Grow the remaining whiskers out a bit, and wear boy clothes. I have secured a few pair of mens jeans, baggy t-shirts, and appropriate footwear. My only problem passing as a man is the big, beautiful, D+ cup breasts that I now have grown. Don't get me wrong and think that I now hate them and wish that I had never taken all of those hormones for 10 years. I love them and they are a constant reminder that I am truly a woman in so many ways. they seem to change most every aspect of my daily life and I would never think about having them removed. Due to the speed that they grew and the ultimate above average size they became, I do believe that I was meant to have them all along. When dressed in my normal women's clothes, they really are strong indicators that I am female. I wear them proudly.

 But I seem to remember that I used to have quite a bit of tops with scoop necklines that showed off quite a bit of cleavage. I am sure men looked but I also remember never having any anger directed my way back then. Unlike wearing breastforms under your tops which create a nice illusion, many disbelievers or "trans-police" will easily discount hidden breasts. They never do when real cleavage is being show, You don't actually have to wear any really low cut tops to show off a bit. An average, loose fitting t-shirt with a generous neck hole will do nicely. just face a few people and lean over. I had always enjoyed looking as much as I now like showing. breasts are pretty and everyone likes to get a peek now and then.

The one time I did go out wearing boy clothes, pulled back hair, no makeup, and regular bra under my t-shirt, I got some incredulous looks. If I had no facial hair that day, I could have probably pulled it off but I was experimenting on the limits of how I could push the boundaries. In retrospect, it seems breasts, are a large percentage of what's needed to put together a complete female look. I can easily pass female if I prep my face with a very close shave, a bit of face powder and blush, mascara, and of course appropriate clothes. I have even gone out in girls jeans, baggy t-shirt, no makeup but a smooth face, and even sloppy boys shoes. I am sure the long blonde hair and hard to miss breasts put me solidly in the female category.

 There are a large percentage of local female up here that make absolutely no effort to dress and look nice. Gender neutral white t-shirts, sloppy, old baggy jeans, and no makeup are the norm. You rarely see a woman dressed nicely with makeup in the stores. When you do, it is obvious that they are just returning from their job (most girls get married and start having babies soon after high school around here). You do see a few nicely dressed women that care to venture out after church services on Wednesday night. But that is rare too.

So, it is actually quite easy to pass around here.(I am preaching to myself here) I am not too tall at 5'9 1/2'' and I don't have any other obviously male traits. A soft sweet voice, and obvious feminine body language has always indicated to others that I was obviously a woman. I never do anything to draw any unnecessary attention to myself. I always keep my head up and meet others looks with a sweet smile and a silent greeting. Hanging your head and trying to avoid others glances just makes you look scared, guilty, and uninviting. Even below average girls can be friendly and look confident. Confidence is a huge element in passing and feeling comfortable in public.

Before all of this bathroom talk, and anti trans shit going on, I never had a problem when I went out. I always looked forward to getting dressed and putting on makeup. It is a rare occasion that I have any reason to venture out. The nearest shopping is in Texarkana, 50 miles away.

Anyway, I have dozens of little jobs ahead of me this spring. It is so easy to become lethargic. My car needs very little maintenance since I have only driven about 7500 miles since I got it 19 months ago. It should be paid of sooner than the allotted 36 months and I can seriously start shopping for my next motorcycle. I have been doing quite alot of on-line shopping and reading of reviews and comparisons on Youtube.

Kawasaki Versys 1000


I have done enough talking here. I hope you can find a way to get along in these crazy times we are living in.

Love, Julia






Saturday, March 11, 2017

Blog for 11-03-17

Hi again Girls and Boys.

It is Saturday afternoon and I have absolutely no desire to do anything. I know that I said that I was going to suspend blogging for a while but I realised that writing here is about the only chance I have to communicate with anyone in the world. I even went so far as deleting my blog with the option of reinstating it in a short time if so desired. I quickly desired.

It has become even more clear that my soon to be 93 year old mother has again met a new milestone in her journey toward death. I try to speak to her and she says that she remembers very little of her past. She shares none of her current life events which only consist of her family news (which has dropped to only a handful now) and her personal dealings with my brother and the further adventures of the mostly rogue housekeeper that is assigned to her through medicaid. The latest one failed to show up for over a week. Even the agency had no idea where she was.I guessed jail and I turned out to be correct. So she is history and the agency is having to find a new one, for about the tenth time in about 10 years. They all have quit for some reason or other. Mom is still passing the buck and saying that they all have left because of me. Because of who I am. Other than trips to the bathroom, I rarely see these women. I stay up all night and try to sleep during the day.

I am sure after all of these years that it is well know in "these parts", that the "man" who lives in the brick house is fucked up and thinks he is a woman now. I have a sister-in-law that really hates me (I am putting this mildly) and she is active in the community, works at the local _____ as a _______, and I am sure spreads the story of me far and wide. Stories of a transgender person are extremely rare around here. People here are very ill informed and not very worldly and I am about as rare as some mutant. They have no background of information or facts to draw on to make any conclusions other than conjecture, rumor, and possible fanatic religious beliefs.
I don't get out much. But when I do, I rarely ever get clocked.

My home town of Dallas is over 150 miles away. I go there twice a year for medical tests and prescription renewals. Even then, I don't go to the malls or anything else other than a trip out to eat. This is so different than my previous life.

I used to have a quite full life back in Dallas before I moved up here in 1997. I had a shitty marriage to a truly unhappy person that had a horrible background and more horrible family. I finally figured out that they just didn't know what to expect from a marriage with someone that wasn't ignorant and manipulative. They had never had a real chance of being around a good and proper family. TV had not taught here enough about the real world and how real, non fucked up lived. They were used to constant stress and anger.  Ignorant people should be not allowed to have kids.

I have started to write again after a 24 hour down period. I slept, and threw some shit together for mom to eat. I also ate some not too healthy crap. I had been eating very healthy for weeks  but I finally broke down and fixed a bowl of Frito Chili Pie. Probably as bad for you as eating a bowl of lard. But it was full of onions, cheese, Fritos, and homemade chili. Very hot and spicy. I am surprised that I am still able to eat hot and spicy things but I seem to thrive on them. Recently, my brother had said that he has had to really slow down on the hot stuff. And I never so much as get heartburn.

I am listening to a full album on-line from Youtube. It is from an Emerson-Lake-and Palmer sound alike from 1975. Triumvirate had a few LP.s out back then and this one, "Sparticus" is quite good.

After this crappy, cut rate computer took a dump for the third time in just a few weeks, I haven't taken the time to upload the 1500 or so song files I have saved on MP3 cds.  I have been listening to tunes from Youtube and I have found quite a few alternate versions of songs I have and I have  built up quite a list. If I only could find out how to make a playlist of all of these songs to post on my You tube page, It would be alot easier to listen to.

My plans to vacate this valley of happiness is still on track. Because of the strict guidelines that most renters that use from the Texas Apartment Association, I do not qualify for  any rental beyond about $400.00/mo. They say no more rent than 1/3 of your income and since Social Security only allows me  1200.00/ mo, I am pre screwed. Since I really don't want to live in Texas anymore, and only Oklahoma and Arkansas are close to me, I will be moving somewhere other than those two havens of hatred and transphobia. Anyone in another state have any suggestions?

Another meaningless week has been wasted. And  at my age, I feel that I am really burning through week after week, static, and unhappy.

Sorry for the sad tone to this blog entry but.......

Love ya,
Julia

Classic, groundbreaking music from the past.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87xx5pzHDlY

Thursday, March 9, 2017

AFK

Hey Boys and Girls.

I hope you aren't too stressed out. I know that I am. And I can't see it getting better anytime soon.

I have decided to suspend my writing for now. Living here, doing what I have been doing, for the last many years, which is little to nothing, is about to slam the door on my sanity. Not having a life has become more than I can take. I spoke with my asshole brother, (not really. calling each other asshole is something we have always done) and he is surprised that I have lasted as long a I have. He said he had really been expecting me to at least attempt suicide, if not more. But he is unable to help me. He has no skills to be a friend to someone that is having a life crisis.

I have saved a substantial amount towards my next motorcycle purchase and I may just have to break into it and move the fuck out to somewhere else. Where isn't really a factor at this point. Just somewhere in a civilised area, that has stores, and food, and a friendly atmosphere. This will probably , sadly exclude moving to Wyoming. They are a bit behind the times up there and I don't really want to wander into some of the cowboy states 2 legged wandering narrow minded destructive units. At my age, I really don't want to deal with stupid violent people.

This probably means moving to a large metro area. There are on line articles that have lists of LGBT friendly cities here in the USA and I am just going to have to find one that is friendly, has Mexican food, and a reasonable cost of living.

Texas is about to pass another freedom killing anti trans law and I don't want to be anywhere near here. Maybe they will grow up and start minding their own business instead of looking for problems where they have never existed. Colorado seem nice and fairly well educated place to live. Some of the New England states seem like a good bet as well as New York state. California is supposed to be the friendliest but I doubt that I could afford to live anywhere decent. I will be running down some leads that I have. Soon I will be out of here.

I will not be moving house and home. Just personal items, clothes, entertainment things, 4 cats, and just one car. I have owned my Scion Tc for about 18 months and it is in top shape, and easy and cheap to run. I can't complain about 31 mpg. on a 9 year old car that I have only put about 800 miles on it since I bought her.

Since I am not a ultra girly girl, my overhead is low as is my public profile. I have no desire to have a relationship with any man and my fairly neutral image seems to blend in with the background. Minimal works. Save the dresses and heels for some other time.

Depending on how far I end up living from here, I always have the option of coming back and loading up my 79 pontiac Phoenix (nova) and loading up and dragging a trailer full of my shit back to my new home. The Chevy stroker 383 has the ZOTZ to haul the biggest, overloaded U haul trailer. I have done it before with zero problem.

I seriously doubt that my mom will pass away anytime soon. As she is very healthy, physically, and although she may not be able to remain here in this house, The house will be secure and as soon as she is gone, it is mine to sell.

I am one of the last Veterans that have the full G I BILL. I enlisted before the Vietnam war was over and I get the whole banana. The only property that I bought was back in 1978 and it is paid for and if I have the entire Veterans benefit for securing a V A loan. This quite a substantial amount that they will guarantee although I do not need much room or some large house. A small house in town, a condo, maybe a plot of land with a double wide. Hoo Nose. I am not there yet,

Anyway, This probably will be the final entry here at Hybrid Girl. I have shared my life and dreams and unless I have some fresh life adventure and events, I have nothing to talk about. Maybe I will start a new blog when I get settled.

I hope you like the stories. I do wish all of you well.Life in this country may become much more difficult than it has been in many years. Best wishes,

Julia Marshall

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Where do I Start.........................................................

Hey fellow life forms.

What's the deal with all of the turmoil, and nervousness, and pissed off people. Oh yeah, the donald is causing it. I wish I had taken out some stock in a few pharmaceutical firms and maybe an alcohol distiller. I hear that tobacco sales are up also.

Just as long as he is thrown out, or impeached, or otherwise rendered inert asap, I think we will make it. People are figuring out what a wrong number he is. Pray that the damage he does is minimal and reversible.

I finally put the repaired wheel back on my Scion Tc. I had blown out a tire a few months back and finally got one of the new BFG tires put on the wheel but it had sat for months before I finally got around to screwing it on the car. I finally had to because we had run out of food. I was hanging on eating soup, frozen egg rolls, and canned Chili but my 93 year old mother has a more delicate palette.(palate?) I am not so picky.

I have been binge watching "Rules of Engagement" that I record from WGN and marathon watch them until I want to kill myself if I have to ever look at or hear DAVID SPADE again. He is a truly loathsome human and it seems that all of his parts/roles are as disgusting as the other. He is particularly sickening on ROE. This is sad because it leaves you with a bad feeling after watching an otherwise great program.

Last Tuesday evening, I got in my newly serviceable Scion, and headed to the Big Box Grocery place. I was full of optimism and energy but I failed to complete my mission. I was able to fill TWO baskets with goods, one totally with cat food, litter, and other non food items, dumping that in the back of the Tc, and returning to the store to begin shopping on the actual food aisles. I filled up the cart after walking up and down about 2/3 of the aisles before it was full and I was exhausted. I had planned to return to the store soon but fatigue, cooking for my mother, and apathy has so far denied me my very important next trip to the food store.

I did manage to go to the local burger store and get dinner for us tonight. It is a 28 mile round trip just to get hamburgers. I just love rural living.

I had hopefully temporarily put an end to the "Low Tire" light on my dashboard. When I wentout to leave tonight, there it was glowing again. I got out the tire gauge and found the other rear tire was just about flat. The front two were also dangerously low. Just so you know, these three remaining tires are fairly new UNIROYAL TIGER PAW 205/50-17 cheap as hell losers in the form of automobile tires.
I have to air these things up weekly and now they seem to really want to go flat asap. Maybe they know that I have their new replacements in the house that I bought last September that I have been unable to get installed due to my procrastinating way. And being scared doesn't help either.

I had to air up three tires before leaving and before I got back, the light was on again.

Texas is a mecca for ultra conservative lawmakers and some very narrow minded, redneck people. Especially here in rural North east Texas. I was confident and fairly safe feeling until the Virginia bathroom crazyness suddenly became apparent to the loser bible thumpers in Austin. Former talk show host and failed businessman dan patrick is the lieutenant governor and he is ramrodding a fresh version of the Virginia law down the throats of all Texans. The NFL has already sounded off on this development and assured dan that Texas would not have any super bowl as long as that law is in effect. The NBA, NCAA, and other sports sanctioning bodies have also indicated that they would boycott Texas if such restrictive laws are enacted. Dan says that we don't need any stinking sports games. Soon, everyone else will tell him to back off and he will cause a stink, but I feel ultimately that common sense and Dollar signs will prevail. Texas people are crazy about their sports.

Meanwhile, transgender people are in the news. Transgender issues seem to stay in the news lately. This puts just the fact that transgender people may be among the public anywhere and it has the effect of sharpening peoples eyes, perhaps imperceptibly and not consciously. The average Joe and Jane that keeps up with current news will be more likely to take a second look at someone that may not look 100% . WE trans people know that our deepest wish is to seamlessly blend in with the public. But we all don't. Not all of the time. And if heightened awareness of our people puts us more top of mind in the general public, there is a chance of a problem. Especially in redneck country although there are narrow minded, transphobes everywhere. I just don't feel as safe as before.

 So I don't go out as much. This sucks. I can only imagine how some of the minorities feel as they chose to leave the house or not. Perhaps to be shot at, or beat to hell, or who knows. And old orange head has fanned the fires of intolerance and hatred. God will surely send him straight to hell. But I doubt that he has even any concept of right or wrong, or good or bad. To him, HE is the supreme being and that is the reason he has to go. Soon

I hope you all are hanging on.

Love, Julia


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzlK0OGpIRs

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Revolution is in the air.

Hey peoples

I hope your January passed without too much pain.

Nothing new here. TV Dr Pepper. DVR, Chips, the usual

I have altered one part of my life.
I no longer watch hardly any news, especially local (Dallas) and cable news.(but I do miss Rachel)

Try reading the headlines daily on www.huffingtonpost.com

Someone (gill scott-heron, 1970) once said "The Revolution will not be televised"
But the end of the United States will.

WE have seen some spark of revolution with all of the record setting protests around the world over the actions of our new fearless leader. These are sparks of a true revolution. But civil disobedience and must ensue along with bloodshed before anything will change

Some say that he will grow tired of signing things and fucking up the country. He has shown that major damage can be done in just a relatively few days of his four year pass to inflict pain and suffering on the great , apparent by now, stupid public, and it will take alot more than a few protests and marches to change anything.

We are living in historic times. Books will be written about all of this. Students will study it.

History is repeating itself, but this time in a new, much more evil, helpless, possibly nuclear way.

The end of our world is nearer now than when Nikita Khrushchev was running things in the old USSR. At least President Kennedy wasn't trying to pal up with him just to get some compliments.

EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM AND HIS ADMINISTRATION IS misinformed, not serious, ill conceived, reckless, mean spirited, and incredibly selfish in that he just intends for rich republicans to get richer.

I believe the shit will hit the fan when he cuts Social Security, Medicare, amd other social services that allow the poor, disabled, aged, and unfortunate children attempt to live a life of dignity.

When those social services are cut, grandparents will be driving to Washington, D.C. to personally remove him from office.

I only pray that we live through the violent changes and are alive to live in the post trumpf world where things will be corrected and we will restore the checks and balances of a democracy. I hope good sense, and a world of tolerance will ensue.

But to say it will be bumpy is putting it very mildly. He may quit when the going gets tough, as when he realises that he is hated, or he may fight all the way through his impeachment.

But then we have pence to deal with. IN some ways, he is much worse. See the article in the current Rolling Stone.

Anyway, My HP15 computer terminal is terminally ill. It has completely lost its mind a few times lately, for no reason, and it did not just do a restart, but it called HP and did a complete reinstall of all systems just as when it was new. Automatically. I trust it no longer. I will have to find something much more stable and hardy. These cheap things are for kids and losers. I am too old for this shit. reloading 1400 songs and configuring everything is just too much, You just lose too much info, pics, favorites, etc.

Don't let the news get you down. I hope it is because if you are ill informed and oblivious to our situation, you are a big part of the problem we have.

Love, Julia

Watch this.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

I Got Some Jaw Dropping Looks, and My Jaw was Not The One Dropping

Hey Girls and Boys.
A quick thanks to my two subscribers. I feel legitimate. 

Nice January weather, huh?

I finally got off of my big, dead ass on Friday and got some sh7t done. I drug my butt outside,  rolled the floor jack out onto the driveway, and unscrewed the left rear wheel off of  my Scion Tc, and borrowed my brothers mammoth Chevy truck and got one of the new B F Goodrich tires installed on the 17'' wheel. Hard to believe after so long.
I checked back in my own blog history, and realised it was back in September that I bought the tires. I have no excuse. Excuses are always weak at best so I will continue to call it as it is, I am a misanthrope with bi-polar disorder.

I loaded up the old wheel and tire with the new one, and got in for the first drive/ride in my brothers new super truck (6 mos old) I felt like an aircraft pilot sitting behind the wheel of a jumbo jet. I was a bit overwhelmed. I took the time to find the cruise control button, and the radio(satellite,of course) station selector. I was astounded at the breadth and depth of information that was available to the driver and passengers of this space-age vehicle. I will have to schedule an appointment with my brother(actually needed) to sit in the vehicle and learn all about how it works. Most new cars have this technology and sooner or later I will be switching vehicles and I will be thrust into the 21st century. My Scion Tc has an outside temperature sensor as it's first 2008 step into the future. Otherwise, it is pure analog. Motor, clutch, trans, wheel. No doo-dads.
But honestly, when you have a nice, "Revvy" motor and a stick, that can be quite enough entertainment in itself.

Anyway, I made my way to mallwart  and dropped off my items to be repaired. I had the hardest time explaining to the "concierge" ticket writer, that the tire was a directional tire and it needed to be mounted so it was properly orientated to run on the left side of the car. He just couldn't get his head wrapped around any tire that was supposed to rolling a particular direction. Even after I lowered the trucks tailgate and showed him. "Oh , Oh he said" He was thinking that the tire was meant to be mounted on the truck. I explained again and I guess he understood. When I got up and parked next to one of the service lanes, a worker came out and asked what he could do for me. All I had to say was that I had a changeout in the trucks bed. Keys in the ignition and I was going inside to do a bit of shopping. He said a respectful, "yes sir, but with quite a bit of puzzlement in his voice.

I was wearing grey sweatpants, really beat up, old sneakers, and  Kawasaki T-shirt. But since it was in the low 70's, I didn't wear any jacket or windbreaker. I soon realised that was a mistake. The windcheater would be easier for me to hide my figure, which needed hiding, rather than this obvious man with the nice, big boobs. I was wearing one of my old 38C bras that did really mash things down alot,  but there was no hiding what was beneath. I did shave the best I could but without any makeup,  I tipped over to the obvious look of a guy. I tried not to look at the persons I met with but that was not entirely possible. I could see their eyes darting from my chest to my face and seeing their obvious puzzlement that something was just not adding up. Jaws dropped, and mouths hung open just below faces of bewilderment. Sorry to freak all of the good people of New Boston, Tx last night.

I will be making my way to the other, next nearest mallwart store sometime this next week to transfer over my prescriptions and establish it as my new home store. I still haven't decided whether I am going to present as a woman or a man. I know that the original reason for changing stores was to find a safer environment for me when I am being me but this recent trip out in public, albeit without some sort of heavy duty boob masher, proved to me that  I will be unsuccessful trying to pass myself as a dude. And the thought of forcibly pressing down my breasts, for hours at a time, is something that I just know will be exceedingly uncomfortable. And I am not a man!! I don't want to look like one or act like one. And I
am apparently not very good at acting like one anymore. Set the girl free!

I did stop off at the local fish and chips shop to get dinner for mom and me. It was not too crowded for a Friday night and as usual, I passed on the drive-thru experience, and chose to go inside and pick up the goods. I have always liked to go inside to get fast food. I enjoy people watching and just the experience of being somewhere besides the house and my room. Makes me feel like much less of a lazy, dead ass. I feel that the employees respect a walk-in customer rather than a drive thru customer. The middle aged women were more that friendly and we had some nice chats and quips. A  smile and an interest in their job seems to put a face on the customer and employee that makes the transaction more personal, and usually ensures that my order is correct. Last night, she asked if I wanted any ketchup or any other condiments. She loaded me up with a huge bag of ketchup and other things. I was very grateful as their Ketchup is a relative newcomer to fast food, "Red Gold" Very tasty and nicely spiced. Thank you ladies.

I made my way back home in a record 35 minutes and I quickly unloaded the fresh food so mom and I could chow down. After dinner, I began to unload the small load of foodstuffs, and lastly, the new tire. The driveway has a nice slope and the tire raced away from me and plowed into the bumper of my '79 Phoenix and ricocheted and landed in just about perfect place for me to get it mounted.What luck!
Unfortunately, Today was rainy and windy and the new tire hasn't been installed yet. Now my concern is whether the wheel and tire will be stolen. Things do get ripped off occasionally from around here. To have that Item stolen would be quite expensive..

I hope you all have a great weekend.
Love, Julia




Friday, January 13, 2017

Not feeling so Manly.

Hey Y'all

Here I sit on my bed in my favorite gown, ready for some sleep, while winding down with some Big Bang.  I am desperately trying to ignore the fact that I haven't shaved my face, or worn makeup, or been out of the house in 5 days. Nor have I strapped on any cute shoes or a cute blouse. I did spray on some perfume, and yesterday I did wear some leggings and a tank top. With only mom here, and she is certifiably blind, she doesn't notice what I wear. I have even stowed away the mirror that sits on my bedside table, so I wont be tempted to have a peek.
This trying to turn off the new girl and let the old guy back out is killing me. If the hormones didn't change me or perhaps the effect of the hormones change me, as in my personality and how I see myself, the fact that ten years have passed since I began this journey to change my outer self have most definitely changed me. Into a 63 year old woman.  I have had better than good results. But I hadn't realised how much I as a person have changed.

Something deep inside of my psyche has changed. It is not in a way that I have changed how I move around the world in my life. It has changed something deep in my soul. The changes that I made as I was beginning to transition were obvious to me. How I spoke in public, and how I walked and carried myself. Those inner efforts were soon replaced with changes. Not obvious changes but permanent changes in me. Changes that I have realised that really have come from within. The other side of me began to emerge. I began to think more like Julia than Jeff. I also began to change my interests and priorities. Car tinkering? Out. Pretty nails and makeup, Oh Yes, In!

Sitting here relaxing, I suddenly became tense and upset. It was after seeing one girl, Just one girl in a commercial that was wearing some cute wedge sandals tossed me over the edge.

I am the sort that is always looking at how each and every girl that I see on TV, is dressed. I have been doing it for years, way before I even began to start to realise that I was not a true male. I had always admired a pretty girl in cute clothes, but this was something different. I wanted to look like them and wear the same clothes. So began my journey to transition.

I don't know how long I can continue to try to change my looks and manner back to the old me. So far, I have not done so well. To put it in another way, I think ten years of hormones and learning, and living as I was really meant to, have irreversibly killed off the old me. I had sensed that the old Jeff was not as easily recalled as before, but I really think he is dead.

With the hostile law and anti-LGBT sentiment now so prevalent and top of mind in this state, I am both very sad and scared to leave the house.

The Lt Gov of texas is spearheading this bathroom law. He is well aware of what it did to North Carolina and her economy, and he says that he is not worried that it will effect texas in the same way. He thinks that businesses and orginisations will flock to texas and her "woman protecting laws" that he pushed through. He has been warned by sensible business and other organisational groups that it will be a huge revenue loser for the state. He begs to disagree. I am sure that he feels that most everyone else is evangelical like him and if they aren't , they had better wake up and get on board because there is a new sheriff in town.

Until the NFL, and NCAA, and the other orginisations start to leave texas in their rear view mirror, and he begins to feel the pressure from these people losing money, we will be stuck with old "evangelist pat".
Of course, when large orginasitions start to lose money, people will wake up. Money is the great equaliser. And sports is most of the main reason why people live in texas. Sports, from kiddie football, through the two NFL teams we have, Life seems to revolve around the cowboys, at least here in north texas. During this playoff season, as have been in every year since 1962 when we first got an NFL franchise, the local TV news is mostly about football from august until way past the superbowl. I am not a fan but you can't help from noticing that every year, everything becomes football here.
Try taking that away. Trans people will be welcomed everywhere.

Anyway, I will continue to fight this feeling in me. I am still very worried on how I am going to be able to hide these breasts of mine. And how will I feel dressing in men's clothes, when I go out shopping. I won't know how to act. Frown and act tough and pissed off I guess.
And since I haven't repaired either of my cars, I will be driving my brothers super macho, huge, black, expensive, new Chevy truck to the grocery for fresh supplies soon. It will help with my masquerade.

Love always, Julia

Monday, January 9, 2017

I Faced The Facts But I'M Going To Have Alot of Trouble Making Some Of Those Changes

Hey Boys and Girls.

I trust that you are having a fun week. If not, Take your laptop and sit in the bathtub for at least 3 hours. Works for me.

In my last blog post, I told you of the changes in my lifestyle that I was going to have to make to at minimum, be safe while living in this fucking state of texas. They have seen fit to obsess on persons that they consider to be defective or sub human. So if they get their way, medical and emergency personnel will NOT have to treat you if they consider you Transgender, or a woman recovering from an abortion. Such hateful and evil ideas can only come from the ULTRA RELIGIOUS Lt. GOVERNOR DAN FUCKING PATRICK AND HIS MINIONS. I truly wish all bad things for these eat up with "the religious right" douschebag losers.

 Relating back to my last blog entry, I have not had any problem facing the changes that I will have to make just to be able to have the same treatment in an emergency medical situation as other people. I seriously question ANY medical professional that would even THINK of denying a injured or sick person medical attention is beyond my range of imagination. Anyone that would even consider standing by and letting someone possibly DIE because they are not part of the mainstream public, is an idiot and an evil person. If they are following whatever directions they think their god is giving them or doing what they think is the current religiously correct things to do, is beyond the ideals and actions of even the most evangelical,eat up with jesus, proud of their outlandish actions, ultra religious nut.

Since when did christian values include walking over your fellow man when they are sick and injured? I don't think that is what jesus and the bible teaches. It just goes to show what evangelical zeal and group thinking will get you.

Are medical professionals going to start to check and see what is in our underwear before treating us? What of those of us that have had GCsurgey? Starts to sound like the bathroom thing. Are they going to have a monitor check everyone who needs to use the facilities before letting them?

And of course, this is the VERY FIRST AGENDA that the state is working as soon as they went back in session. They have the priorities of a child, or an angry evil person.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO HOW I AM FEELING ABOUT CHANGING MY APPEARANCE AND TRYING TO ACT LIKE A DUDE...
I don't even like the thought of any of it. I like my skinny jeans, and my long blonde hair. Having to wear men's shoes and clothes makes me feel sick. I haven't worn men's clothes in over 10  years. How can a handful of sick people who obviously think that they know what is best for everyone, except it makes a minority of people very uncomfortable, scared, and unhappy?
I guess I will wear baggy men's jeans and no makeup when I have to go out. I haven't felt this upset about anything in years.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Some of the following about texaa loutennant govener dan pactrick was ripped from wikipedia

Some background on " Dannie Scott Goeb" from Baltimore. Raised ,schooled there, went into TV and ended up doing sports in Houston. Not even a native son.

He migrated to owning several sports bars in Houston, eventually all going bankrupt due to allegations of illegal alien employees. In the 1990's, he moved on to hosting an ULTRA CONSERVATIVE RADIO TALK SHOW. Soon after his bankruptcy.

He even looks like some snakey TV preacher.
This paragraph from Wikipedia......................................
 [Patrick "reinvented himself,"[8] becoming a conservative talk radio host in the 1990s.[10] He hosted a conservative radio talk show. The program, Dan Patrick & Friends, was broadcast in Houston on KSEV 700 AM and in Dallas on KVCE 1160 AM.[11][12] Patrick grew very successful and influential through his talk radio career[8][10] and earned high name recognition.[8] As a talk radio host, Patrick advocated for fiscal conservatism, evangelical Christian values on social issues, and he became a very vocal opponent of illegal immigration.[8] One notable decision Patrick made as the owner of a talk radio program was to sign Rush Limbaugh, who was not well known at the time, on his radio station.[10]

 His tenure in politics in texas has included supporting cruz and trump, and immediately upon election as a state senator, he immediately introduced legislation to make abortion illegal in the state. His other laundry list of oppositions include campaigning for rick perry, and creating the texas branch or the tea party. He passionately campaigned for better schools as texas has an average 25% dropout rate (50-55% in inner cities) He did nothing.He is in full support on the wall with Mexico, He was a champion of the "Open Carry" laws passed in the state, he is opposed to all abortion and had mandated ultrasounds for women before abortions, is on a new law to try to establish creationism as part of public school curriculum, he is a staunch fiscal conservative, has opposed illegal immigrants, and has vociferously been an advocate of denying all LGBT persons, same sex marriages, and domestic partners and rights under the law. he is on his second marriage and 3rd name change. He was the campaign chairman for trump with texas only siding for trump by about 9 percent.

So as you see, this nutjob is going to continue to take away the rights that his evangelical beliefs show him to be chosen to do. It will never be any better in texas as long as Austin is full of these freaks that the uninformed and pseudo conservative christians of the state continue to vote into office. Texas will be screwed up for decades.

This is what we have to deal with for the foreseeable future. And a hearty thanks to the religious conservative voters who voted these ringers in office. Makes you wonder if they would have voted for them if they knew what they stood for. UNFORTUNATELY I CAN almost guarantee they knew what they were doing.......... "you know those fags and nancy boys need to be squashed like the bugs that they are".......... You have no idea unless you have hung around these mouth breathing losers.
Love, Julia


Thursday, January 5, 2017

Facing The Facts and Having To Make Some Changes.

Hope the new year is going your way

The evil, full of hate people that the occupants of the state of texas have elected have made life not just inconvenient for LGBT persons, It has made it dangerous ......as in Life or Death.
And don't get sick or injured if you have had an abortion.

A federal judge has ruled that by reason of religious freedom, EMT personnel, Emergency room doctors, and any other medical person can refuse to treat any LGBT person that is in need of medical help. They also horribly included any woman suspected of having had an abortion. Lay there and die. Tough shit.

These people that have made this ruling and are celebrating it, are lower than the lowest. They are violating the basic code of human decency by making this ruling. They are not fit to live on the same planet as other people.

I do not feel safe living in this state. The stupid rednecks are bad enough. The lady that I see walking around wallmart with a bible in her shopping cart, reading scripture while she shops, and gives me hateful, "you need to be killed" looks whenever she sees me, makes my public life bad enough.

I will no longer shop at that particular store. Nor will I present as female in public. A 2-3  week beard will hopefully distract persons from looking at my larger than average breasts. A sports bra will need to be purchased. Meanwhile layers and ace bandages will have to do. Otherwise, they will be a sure giveaway.

I had no problem passing for a guy for 52 years, and now with a little prep, I will now disguise myself for reasons of safety or perhaps to save my life.If I am involved in a traffic accident, I will simply be a curiosity because of my female name and breasts. By then, they will have saved my life.

I really don't want to change my name. I like this one. But male type clothing will have to be purchased. Jeans, baggy T-shirts, etc. Not that different to what my casual wear is now. Just not as fitted. Baggier. No cute shoes. That will hurt.
And my hair is blonde and very long. Perhaps make it Lt. Brown again and keep it in a ponytail. I can handle it until I can move somewhere safe. But that may not be possible until the new prez-goon is out of office. Possibly sooner is he continues to do everything wrong. But pence would be much worse. He is crazy, mean, and super religious.

So are the topics of the day. Safety. Blending in. Although I was only clocked once when I was just starting transition. And there is the bible-reader-shopper. I only saw here during daylight hours and changing stores and shopping in the evening should keep me safe.

Oh well......
Fight the Power
Julia

you will love this...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFHH79RDImk




Friday, December 30, 2016

New Year Plans, and Reminiscing

Hey Cats and Chicks,

Preparing for the new year by total body immersion in alcohol? No? I am proud. Sick and hung over is not the way to start the new year unless you are an American. Drowning out and temporarily forgetting the rest of the country's epic mistake to elect mr. stupid to be president may be a good idea. Sometimes a new light of clarity shows through after a good chemical reset of the brain. But don't make it a habit. Are we cool on this?

I am sure there will be a report that alcohol and tobacco sales have already gone up and will continue to throughout the year. I honestly don't think he will last until summer. The man is clueless. 

The last few days have been very uneventful. My brother and his clan arrived about 11:00 am for the annual big breakfast. A bit late but fine otherwise. My brothers wife's kid has a couple of kids that tried their best to destroy the house but of course, their parents said nothing, Mom and I were constantly having to tell them No, or Stop it, but the scolding had little lasting effect This is where fucked up adults get their start.

To sum up the whole day, Mom had no idea what was going on, kids screaming, and a general cacophony.  Mom removed her hearing aids and I put in my foam hearing protectors. Things got better very quickly.

Santa, the brain dead saint that he is, has ignored my request for a Chevrolet Corvette for about 60 years now. They first came out in the year of my birth, 1953, and since I was about 2 yrs old, I have wanted one. Such are the pitfalls of growing up in a middle class family in Dallas, Texas.

My first car was a 1970 Volkswagen that I bought off of my brother, it being the unwanted chattel of his first failed marriage. Sale price in 1970, MSRP? $1919.00 The US needs to begin selling ultra stripped, no options, basic transportation again.

But a recent news story claimed that people are holding on to their vehicles much longer now days. An average of 10.5 years. High prices, very high insurance,and not so gentle interest rates are compelling more and more to hang on to the old dear. Unless you wreck the shit out of  it, or totally ignore preventative maintenance, the newer cars will last much longer than the older models. Just buy what you want, and take care of it. even repairs starting around maybe the 5 year mark, cannot be more than payments and full coverage insurance.

I have checked around and I can sell my Scion Tc for what I owe on it. I feel that as long as I am living up here and travel so little, a newish car that I do not own outright is a waste. 

Everything that I said that needs to be done, hasn't been done. Flat not repaired, belts for the accord not purchased or installed, but I did wash a load of t-shirts, panties, bras, and shorts because I was down to wearing a nightgown all day. I still haven't washed the towels or jeans or sweats. I did eat about 4 different kinds of chips, countless sodas, and watch innumerable hours of TV. I do not recommend this type of non activity unless you want to ruin your health. I also have been thinking about starting smoking again.

I have been playing some kind of guitar since about 1963. Plinking alot lately. Playing and singing, learning songs, complicated bass lines from Al Dimeola, Stanley Clarke, Jaco Pastorius, and Jeff Beck songs,( I was really into jazz-fusion back in 1975-1980) re-learning 50's and 60's hits and now that we can find those elusive lyrics from those songs that we were just really guessing at,(beach boys seemed to be the worst) and irritating exactly half of my cats. Both girls go running along with their brother whenever they see me grab one off the wall or even if I just pluck a string just to see what key an unknown song is in. But Angel and Buster listen with rapt attention. My human audiences have been fickle also Split about the same percentage over the years. Only people I used to jam with or women that I was dating that were into me seemed to like my playing and singing. But my work on the bass has never been met with disapproval. Nor my guitar work. Finding someone that likes my singing is a difficult task.

Kawasaki KLR 650.


I plan to find the will and the discipline to get a good amount saved so I can buy a Kawasaki KLR 650 dual sport motorcycle. I have had dozens of different bikes over the years and I still have my '72 Honda CB 500 Four but it is becoming nearer to my heart every year and losing her in an accident


would probably be the end of her. She is totally unique, in that no one else ever made a decent 500cc four cylinder like my baby. It's the four separate exhaust pipes that give it that exclusive sound.
So you see that I need a less valuable bike that I can ride on and off the road. That is one of the things about living around here that is good, lots or dirt and gravel roads .And we have 180 acres to putt around on also.
I just wonder what kind of reaction I will get from other motorists when they see a tall girl with long blonde hair riding such a formidable bike.

The 1973 Honda XL 250 motosport.


When I lived in Cheyenne, I owned another CB 500 Four that I had bought in a sad state and did a nice restoration on her. I sold her and got a 1973 Honda XL 250 Motosport, Honda's first real effort in building a true, powerful dual purpose, 4 stroke bike. It was Honda's first bike with a 4 valve cylinder head. A bit heavy, but so nice for riding off road in the mountains west of Cheyenne. I kinda had two different groups that I rode with and the off road guys were the most fun. The street riders all rode Harleys or a Triumph or two. They all had attitudes and hated "rice burners" There was only one other guy with a Japanese bike, a friend with a Honda CB 750. We had such fun hauling ass around those old sportsters, superglides, and Triumph Bonnevilles. And in the tight mountain roads, the four cylinders couldn't be beat.
 I pulled the chain off of my XL 250 and tied the forks to my Volkswagen's bumper, and towed her back to Texas just before I was to be discharged. I had great fun with my first medium size single cylinder "Thumper". The 650 class of singles are really mega thumpers. Honda, Kawasaki, Suzuki, all make similar bikes priced about the same and KTM, and BMW among others sell very expensive, rare, singles in the 650cc range. My last trail bike was a 1973 Honda SL 125. Fun but not really something you could ride very far from home.

!973 Honda SL 125







Anyway.  I have alienated 9/10ths of my reading audience doing this extended walk through Motorcycle stuff, so I will get the fuck out.

Y'all be nice. Love You,
Julia

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Disease or Disorder?

I have mood swings. The professional types call it Bi-Polar Disorder. They now also call transsexualism/transgender a disorder. I call it fucked for life. Either disorder is a bitch to live with alone but together, it is beyond livable.

And just what is the definition of a disorder?

A disturbance of function or structure, resulting from a genetic or embryological failure in development or from exogenous factors such as poison, trauma, or disease.

disorder

An abnormality, alteration, or derangement. See Antisocial personality disorder, Anxiety disorder, Asperger disorder, Arousal disorder, Attention deficit disorder, Autistic disorder, Bipolar disorder, Body dysmorphic disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Central auditory processing disorder, Chromosome disorder, Compulsive personality disorder, Conversion disorder, Cruise-associated diarrheal disorder, Cumulative trauma disorder, Delusional disorder, Dependent personality disorder, Depersonalization disorder, Depressive disorder, Developmental disorder, Disease, Dissociative identity disorder, Dysthymic disorder, Eating disorder, EBV-associated lymphoproliferative disorder, Endometrial disorder, Expressive language disorder, Factitious disorder, Functional disorder, Gender identity disorder, Generalized anxiety disorder, Hearing disorder, Histrionic personality disorder, Identity disorder, Internet addiction disorder, Iodine deficiency disorder, Language disorder, Late luteal phase dysphoric disorder, Lymphoproliferative disorder, Major depressive disorder, Martha Stewart disorder, Mendelian disorder, Mental disorder, Motor speech disorder, Movement disorder, Multiple autoimmune disorder, Multiple personality disorder, Musculoskeletal disorder, Myeloproliferative disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder, Neurodegenerative disorder, Neurogenic communication disorder, Neurotic disorder, Nonmendelian disorder, Obsessive-compulsive disorder, Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, Panethnic disorder, Panic disorder, Partial syndrome eating disorder, Passive-aggressive personality disorder, Post-transplantation lymphoproliferative disorder, Post-traumatic stress disorder, Premenstrual dysphoric disorder, Psychotic disorder, Reactive attachment disorder of infancy or early childhood, Reading disorder, S-100–positive T-cell lymphoproliferative disorder, Schizoid personality disorder, Seasonal affective disorder, Seizure disorder, Sexual pain disorder, Shared psychotic disorder, Silicone-reactive disorder, Single gene disorder, Sleep disorder, Sleep terror disorder, Smell disorder, Somatization disorder, Speech disorder, Swallowing disorder, Syndrome, Taste disorder, Thought disorder, Throat disorder, Thyroid disorder, Urea cycle disorder, Urologic disorder, Voice disorder, X-linked disorder.

AS you can see, the medical community have been discovering disorders at a rapid speed. It seems that a disorder can not only be a mental thing but a whole body system myriad of disorders.
Basically, anything or system that doesn't work perfectly, is a disorder.

Which leaves diseases and trauma.
Did a pathogen or some kind of trauma cause me to be this way?

Or was it because  I was BUILT BROKEN? 

I was born this way. I did nothing to cause myself to change into a disordered person. I remember being a recluse and being sad for no reason as long as I can remember. I remember my early childhood very well.

The sad thing is that the medical community is slow to understand disorders. They used  to think that some diseases were caused by an "Ill Wind", or demons, or the devil. Even when the medical community agrees on a new way of describing  something or figuring out that people can be wild and depressed for no other reason than that their brain chemistry changes, but no one can see that change, So they are grouped together in the type of people to avoid. They used to lock mental patients up forever. Not that long ago either.

As far as gender disorders, the medical community are just now starting to do some solid research. Early findings are that people can be born with a brain that doesn't match their assigned sex. Try to get your average Joe to understand that.

Our schools do an abysmally poor job of teaching children how to function in the world. There are some basic truths and knowledge that every child leaving high school should know.
Here are some things that no one ever taught  my generation.

How to prepare food to minimally survive.
How to plan a budget for your household.
How to manage money as far as purchases and Interest rates, and mortgages, are concerned.
How to shop wisely and not get taken to the cleaners.
How an automobile works. Basic car safety checks, tire air pressure, oil level, coolant, etc..
How electricity works, audio systems, amplifiers, speakers, etc
How to plunge a stopped up toilet.
How the opposite sex is different physically and mentally.
How to treat others.
Or maybe some skill or trade so we could feed ourselves after our parents kicked us out.

Most of these things can be taught over a childhood period of time by a loving and caring parent(s). In school, we were mostly told to shut up, and do menial assignments. Being quiet was paramount. 

There are generations of young people who don't know how to do jack shit. I have cousins in their late 30's that don't even know basic history. I tell them to watch mythbusters, How it's made, and Diners, drive in's and dives. And all documentaries about 20th century history.
If you don't how we got here, how can you prepare yourself for the future?

I am still marooned here in this house with a eternally pissed off mother, and this is not the situation a person of my brain malfunction should be.

more later
Love, Julia

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Xmas Eve Things.

Hey. I hope you are not too exhausted. Have another drink.

I have Re-Activated all of my previous blog entry's. Even the one about the pre -op-non-op girl and sex. It is explicit.

This "Built Broken" HP 15 laptop is continuing to give me fits. The touch pad is intermittent and unreliable. I have tried cleaning it and using different techniques with it but I am going to probably plug in the little adapter that I used for my wireless keyboard /mouse that I had used with my last HP 15 when the space bar went out. This ones is occasionally omitting a space that I punch in. Actually, I glide over the keyboard very silently. Some folks seem to hammer away on the keys.
Also, whenever I am on a web page that has an Adobe Flash feature, My scrolling ability to move the page down just stops. I can go to the task manager and shut off the Flash feature on that page and it is smooth scrolling afterwards. But it only stays off until the page calls for it to start running again. On my last HP15, I got tired of that and uninstalled all of the Flash Player. It was just eating up too much processor power. This unit has a Pentium and the last one has an AMD processor. I see no difference. They both max out when Flash is running. My next laptop, which will be coming sooner than later, will have a much better processor. And more Ram also. The 500gb hard drive is rarely utilised. I just don't store that much info nor do I load up DVD's to my unit.

When I was grocery shopping recently, I picked up some gowns, underwear, and socks for Mom. Things I am sure she will use. Buying for a 92 year old is not easy. I got my brother a variety of spicy sauces and other fine condiments. We both like to drown our food with sauces of varying degree of heat. A sure fire winner there.He also is a huge fan of Green Olives, especially the ones stuffed with a Jalapeno Slice. He will be pleased.

The pharmacy was out of my Spironolactone tablets when I picked up the bulk of my drugs the other night. I haven't called today, but they should be ready soon. I am on Half Rations until they get them. This has happened before.
 I will have to go and install my temporary spare tire on the Toyota Scion Tc to be able to get around any. I was trying to not use it and keep it as new to enhance the retail price when I sell it, maybe sooner than later. But I will have to wait for the New Year to purchase the belts to repair my Accord though. After my holiday shopping, I am flat. And it raining like hell today.

It was nice last night sitting in the bath tub watching some of my new Big Bang Theory DVD. I usually read news stories  and editorials and occasionally watch a movie or a few episodes of "Burn Notice" or "Grounded For Life" the other TV series that I have collected over the years. I do tend to watch "Mean Girls" too often and "The Brothers Mc Mullen". Ialso tend to watch selections from my Doris Day collection. You just can't go wrong with a classic Doris Day feature. I particularly like "The Thrill Of It All" and "It Happened To Jane" Both which I saw when they were new in theaters. I will have to give my parents credit for taking us to some outstanding theater events back in the late 50's and early 60's. I believe that the experiences tended to round out my young personality but now, just admitting I was there then, really shows my age. I was 63 , Oct 31.

AS depressing as that is, I will not add any more fuel to the fire that is burning all around me on this saddest of days. I only hope you have found love, family, and happiness.

Love, Julia

Dear Santa, I want a Kawasaki KLR 650 for Christmas. Please? Thank you and don't work too hard tonight. Love, Julia





Friday, December 23, 2016

Hewlett Packard, Insomnia, and the Big Bang Theory.

Hi. I hope the holidays have been good so far.

For some persons though, The holidays can be the most stressful time of the year. Missing lost loved ones, remembering the "good old days", all can contribute to depression. I am right in the middle of it.

First of all, let me make a statement on the latest HP computer that I got from walmrt. It is a model 15. $300.00. Pentium, 500gb, and windows 10. Real basic for your average Joe.
Here's the deal. They decided to omit the cooling fan to save costs. No shit. After the old Compaq I had, getting my last HP 15 was wonderful. It was quiet , lighter, and ran cool enough to sit on my bare legs. Not this one. It may say that it is a HP 15, it is nothing like my last one. Totally different chassis. USB ports and headphone jack are all reversed. I took off the keyboard just to see if maybe they just didn't turn on the software that runs the fan. Just a big spot where the fan should be. Cost cutting measures like this I cannot understand. I think next year I am going to find another PC and use this one just for music or recording music using my mixers and audio equipment. It is all PC based and uses alot of memory, storage, and processor. It is a bitch to set all of the mics, and cables up just to tear them down after every time I want to record. No Fan. Insanity. I do have my old cooling pad that i used with the old Compaq. It has 2 fans and runs off of a USB port. Better than an overheated unit. It just shuts down with no warning when it gets hot.

Today finds me trying to ignore the internal struggle going on in my head. Lost loves, Lost time, dead parents, Friends, job, my own place, all lost. I finally realised that my mother only speaks to me when she wants something. All questions and statements to her from me are totally ignored. It sucks to be telling your own mother something important, and she turns her head, or sticks the headphones back on her head. She has wireless headphones for the TV and others for her books on tape. She seems to always have one or the other on. And If I make a gesture for her to take them off because I need to speak to her, I am met with angry looks and deep frowns. Rips my heart out.

Yesterday, my mother had a doctors appointment.  I have never been asked to drive her there. Guess why? So no housekeeper, no slamming microwave door, and no loud talking in the Kitchen, which is right next to my room. I slept from about 9:30 am till 5:30 pm. The first time I have slept a decent amount since I can't remember. Most days, I sleep maybe 2 hours in the afternoon, 2 or 3 in the evening sitting in the chair in the room with mother, and an hour or so around midnight, 1 am. I know this is bad for me but I have no choice. My mother falls or slides out of her bed almost weekly. She lays there until she is finally forced to push her Live-net button and call for help.Even with my door open, I could not hear her call me from her room as it is on the opposite end of the house. The last few times, we had to call the paramedics out to pick her up and get her back in bed. I can't pick her up.
So when she is in bed, I am always up and awake. Always listening for another episode. She needs to be put in a nursing home but she says she will never let it happen.
It will happen as soon as I could move out. My brother and his evil mate are "so very busy" and we only see them on the weekends. After the dine out, never to ask us or to offer to bring take out. They are both very selfish people.

I just started collecting the Big Bang Theory on DVD. I got my first one this week. My DVR/satellite receiver has been trying to quit working. It just goes out like when the power goes out. Has to go through its initial startup which takes a bit of time. I also noticed that the piece of shit has been losing some of my recorded programs. It most recently lost all 120(?) episodes of Burn Notice. If I hadn't already bought them on DVD, I would have tossed it in the bin for good. I have been transferring any important programs over to an external hard drive to be ready when it finally burns up and I can call Dish Network out to put another one in. I am not a fan of Dish. Their satellite based Internet is very expensive, and from what I hear and read, they are just the worst company ever to work for . Massive turnover rate. Treat their employees like shit. ....but aren't all companies like that now?

I have been thinking about making a small home based, renewable power source. Just enough to run the electronics, and the lights in my room. A small solar array, maybe a wind turbine, and of course the batteries and inverter. It will not be connected to the house wiring. There are many reasons for me to seriously consider doing this.
We have blackouts weekly. Flickering current, brownouts, and those metered shutoffs that happen for exactly one or two hours. We are on the end of a long power grid. I mean my brother is actually the last person on the line. The power is sold by a Co-Op that buys it from the Dallas power grid, over 150 miles away. This stretch of road was the last 5 miles of farm road to get electricity back in the early 1960's. This part of the county was not populated by more than a few farmers until the 1970's. there are three other "end of the line" situations within a few miles of here. There is power coming into this area from Shreveport, La, Tyler Tx, and a grid known as Texas-New Mexico power that I know little about. None of then interconnect. And they are all unreliable being end of the line runs.

And my mother says she is going to start charging me for rent and utilities. At 93 yes old, is that dementia, or just hate. She accepts my transitioning but I know she doesn't like it. If I am not dressed in female specific clothes with makeup, I look petty much the same as I always have. I putter around the house in T-Shirts, sweats, and shorts. The long hair and the breasts do give me away though. They are not small and impossible to minimise. She says she can't see but sometime I wonder...........

My other reason for wanting my own power source is I am not that sure that our economy will not crater out under the new administration. Or maybe massive inflation, or power companies just going out of business. I saw Michael Moore on MSNBC with Lawrence O'Donnel last night and although his prognosis of life under the new guy is bad times, he failed to make any particular cold and hard predictions on any future events. Just that it will happen, and it will probably continue to get worse.


About this blog entry, I will check for errors later. I am getting kinda lightheaded and weird from lack of sleep. More later.

Love, Julia

Thursday, December 22, 2016

TWO of my older post seems to have become more relevant and serious............

Our future head of government went off today and started talking some crazy shit about nuclear weapons. I don't need to tell you that he is insane.

Just reread my earlier post about this ominous situation. And pray.

Or maybe all of us find some way of getting him and Pence out of Washington.

He is not making any friends with the Jewish people either. Pray some more.

Love always, Julia

Daily Decisions. Persistent Questions.

My mothers moron housekeeper has slammed the microwave door about 10,000 time this morning. She is 34 and has very limited experience in kitchens. When my mother asked her to cook a pot of pinto beans, we learned she has never cooked anything more than soup from a can. It seems her mother never kept a house either. 

Do I get out of bed or just lay there, seething in my anger,

The only chair that I can sit in in the living room is broken. My father wore out the lay-z-boy years before I moved up here. The way he sat down was akin to dropping a 180lb sack of dad in the chair with no finesse or grace. that was dad.

The springs in the bottom were fatigued. My fat ass finally broke them. But I still manage to fall asleep in it daily.

Do I have my wakeup soda or do I go for the lemon-aid today?

(I just realised that this blog entry has turned into quite a rant. Sorry. Just stating facts.)

I watch Buster Kitty chase crickets daily it seems. The mild autumn has left us with a bumper crop and it is his job and pleasure to chase each one, pounce on it until it is without limbs. or just beats it to where it will surely expire within hours. He is big, black, strong, and as fun as a year old cat can be. Everything is new, all of the other cats are easy prey. The other boys race him but my girls will have none of it. He usually makes a low pass near them and comes back for the hit. He never has a chance. Usually a single swat will fix his wagon. He slinks away.

I am sick to death of commercials for prescription drugs for people that have psoriasis. I don't have it. I don't think that you can catch it because I think it is an autoimmune disease. Every channel. They must have an incredible advertising budget. I am sure their unbelievable high cost to the consumer will cover our misery of the repeated airings.I have even seen them on Nickelodeon.  Is this something children are concerned with? Psoriasis, irritable bowel syndrome, diabetes, and cancer are big moneymakers for the drug companies. These prescription drugs are only for a narrow audience. But they spend billions on TV spots. And we have to pay out the ass for them. I wonder if anyone has actually ever said to their doctor, " Is Latuda right for me? "  They seem to want everyone to ask their doctor.

Is WTBS going to air 3 hours of Big Bang tonight? Quite a few nights are filled with Sheldons childishness and those earlier episodes are filled with Kaley's enviable figure. Something that they no longer "feature" on the show. So long to tank tops and tight pants and short dresses.....There is a huge love hate thing going on there. Of course, I have 217 episodes on the DVR and many times before I try to fall asleep, I cue up a dozen or so to bore me to sleep and hit autoplay.  Familiarity equals boredom, in most later episodes.
And in one episode the girls are all at Kaley's apartment while Amy F Fowler (Mayim Bialik, Blossom, My Favorite girl on the show) readies for a date. She slips off her heels and asks  Penny if she can borrow some of her higher heels as the guy she is seeing is quite tall. Here comes the male written dialog that a woman would never say......."Oh, I threw out all of my tall ones (heels) after Leonard and I got married"
No woman in the world, that is normal, would ever say that,

Quick, what color are Penny's eyes?

I have developed what is called an "Enhanced Startle Response'" I scream every time I am startled. MY mom thinks I am faking it. Truth is  I am so nervous, and constantly on the defense because of the continual daily hammering I get from mom. Two women in a house that used to be run by her but now she is too feeble but she will not relinquish any control to me. Of course, being alone approximately 20 hours a day, in alot of silence, has kinda conditioned me to get used to it being quiet. And she is the loudest, 92 year old woman anywhere. No manual action is done with any finesse or grace. And I creep around here like a monk. Jumpy just barely begins to describe me.

I went to get massive groceries tonight. All I got from the experience was a car full of food, and a wrenched knee. The same one I tore up back in 1974-75 that was subjected to an outdated surgery courtesy of the USAF, and it has gotten progressively worse through the years. It gets old.

I also lost both of the "fan" belts on my baby Accord tonight. That's what I get for buying off brand shit from AUTOZONE back 5 years ago. ( please realise that I have put about 1500 miles on her since the refurbishment)  Their parts are overpriced and very cheaply made. Take it from me. Now I will have to find some quality belts online, possibly from the Honda dealer in Rhode Island(?) that I have done business with before. Quick delivery and no tax or shipping. My Cassandra (her name) deserves the best. I sparked home on the battery which at only a few weeks old, was not a problem. But replacing the belts on that particular, sideways mounted engine, is no picnic. Meanwhile, I am rockin' the old shoeleather express. My Toyota Scion Tc still sits in the driveway with a flat with four new tires in the house ready to install, and my 79 Pontiac Phoenix has a bad brake booster. I have a replacement but it also, is a bitch to replace. But the old girl runs. She always runs. Small block Chevrolet powered hot - rods never have any problems. Well, mine never does. She stops also, with both feet mashing the brake pedal as hard as I can. OK on the highway, but not for city use. I need to get busy and do some repairs.

Bi-Polar disorder makes it impossible to get things done. I just sit at home, staring at the wall, not doing shit. Being transgender is limiting enough. And I am not exactly a kid anymore. Age really slows you down.

Nothing more for now. I am just hanging on, trying to get through the holidays, and dealing with my mothers mood swings. She is very bi-polar, just like her youngest kid, Me. But she doesn't recognise it and cannot understand her moods which is something we m/d people have to learn lest we piss off everyone we come into contact with. I learned long ago when to stay home in the closet and when to restrain myself when I am in a manic tear. And drugs never really helped me. Zoloft was a non working compound as was lithium carbonate. Dr pepper, chips, and Mexican food work much better. And playing guitar helps alot too. On that same subject, I finally found out the cause of the mangled nail on my left pinkie. It just seems to crumble unlike most of my other nails. A few years ago, I shattered the large joint on that finger trying to hold up an entire motorcycle with one finger. (not on purpose) The joint just exploded. I have had a time getting it loosened up enough to play accurately and properly. all good players use all 4 fingers. I had to relearn to play through the pain until it became acclimated to holding down strings again. One bad nail is worth the price.

Enough. Be safe out there. Act nice.
Love, Julia

Listen to this.       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=is4NQkUN3AI         

Xmas radio fun from back in my day.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Words and Things

Having fun yet? Does it get better?


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Additional info, about 12 hours after posting this........................

I happened to look at the STATS pages for my blogs. I haven't written much lately. But it seems my blog was/is getting quite a bit of attention from the former Soviet Union. In light of recent revelations of hacking and illegal activities by the Russian Government, I am taking my blog posts off line until further notice. I have always been a bit trepid and shaky about sharing very personal information about myself and my life with the public.
I will not delete this blog, I will leave a placeholder so it will stay active and I may continue to post info and stories of a more benign nature. Thanks. Julia
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At least it is winter here in North America.
Hot weather sucks.
But what we call winter here in south central USA isn't even close to what the northern states are experiencing. Send some down here.

I lived in Cheyenne for 2 years back in the 1970's. Had a '73 Volkswagen and I was never bothered by inclement weather. I had grown up in Dallas where I had snowed maybe 4 times in my life. I still like snow.

I had a tire blowout on the Scion Tc. Left rear. Actually, it was the only "good" tire on the car. A Pirelli P7 Centurato. The others are some Uniroyal cheap things.
I have only put about 1500. miles on the car since I bought it a year ago last September. I don't get out much.
I wasn't about to try and put on the spare as it had rained quite alot recently and the roadsides were very soft and wet. So I drove on the grass while the car idled in first gear, I knew the tire was ruined but the deflated casing would protect the 17'' alloy wheel and I was only about 5 miles from home. 8 pm on a weeknight. Never saw another car.
The Scion has sat on the driveway since then. I really don't want to put the,  here to unused, "temporary tire" on the ground as it is new and pristine and I hope it will help elevate the price when I sell it. Which may be sooner than later.
I went home and put the battery charger on my 91 Accord. The battery had began to fail back in the spring at precisely the batteries 3 year birthday. It was a 36 month battery. I knew it could hold a charge long enough to get to town and get a new one. Wallmatrrt "installed" a new one with a nice 5 year warranty.
The old girl actually drives nicer than the "special" Toyota does. I had done extensive renewal and refurbishment procedures on her after I got her. Brakes, shocks/struts/wheel bearings, timing belt, water pump, brakes, tires, etc. She drives remarkably well for having 269,000 miles on her. Honda builds them tough. Still gets over 30 MPG. Not bad for a $300 craigslist car.
All of this wouldn't be so stupid if I didn't have a new set of tires for the Tc here in the house. I just had not gotten around to having them put on yet. Still haven't.

I have greatly altered my TV schedule. Nothing but bad news about idiotic things our president elect is planning on doing as soon as he get inaugurated. But that may not happen.

I am getting my news on line now. If I have to hear and see that motherfucker again, I may pull an Elvis and shoot the TV. Somebody needed to punch that bullies lights out in an earlier year of his life. Now at 70, he thinks he is smarter than everyone else. Those who voted for him will soon realise their mistake and those who didn't will still have to suffer.

We were told that society was going to progress and life would get better as we grew older. It isn't happening because somebody forgot to study and get an education and someone else didn't take the opportunity to punch out the people who are against common sense and decency. Republicans. To me, saying that word is like the feeling I get while I puke.

And why doesn't Mitch McConnell just come out already?

The big bang theory has "Jumped The Shark" It really is suffering now. As are it's viewers. I just found that "Hill Street Blues" has been released on DVD. I need that series. But for $115.00?  And no closed captioning? Pass.

Every time my brothers wife sends some concoction down here for us to eat, we get sick. 3 times now recently. ........I had gone to get supplies tonight and I was hit with the "sister-in-laws revenge" after about 5 minutes in the door. I drove back home, without any supplies other than cat food. 70 miles of driving for nothing. My gut still hurts. And I have to try and go back asap because we are getting down to bare shelves.
My mother seems to be fading away faster every day. She can't remember anything. Loud shouting is the only way she can understand me. She says that I mumble? I was an on air radio personality for over 15 years and I am sure my diction is outstanding......sour grapes........ Getting old sucks for everyone. You had better Wang Chung while you can. There are no chances to repeat those past chapters.
A 2008 Toyota Scion Tc

I am planning on selling the Scion soon. For as little as I drive, a newish car is just a waste. And the Honda is very nice to drive and needs nothing and is so much cheaper to own and drive.

I was on the old Yahoo Messenger a few years ago and someone asked me what I liked to do for fun. This stopped me cold in my tracks and sent me on a mind quest that I had not ever contemplated before.  I have always worked at something in my adult life as my way of fun or a hobby. Cars, motorcycles, house maint. All of my activities seemed to be some kind of work/hobby. I guess that so much of my life has been spent alone, I had just learned how to only do things that did not require any one else. One thing that I did really like to do was ride my motorcycle. I haven't been riding in 25 years.
And watching TV is killing me. It's the commercials. the same ones for years now. How stupid do they think we are? I try to watch only time shifted shows that I record on the DVR. Zap those commercials out.Why do I need to be told about some I V  drug for psoriasis or some other thing that I am never going to suffer with. Enough already.

Justin Hayward is my all time favorite vocalist. He is also very cool.

Kawasaki and Suzuki have a few bikes that look interesting. So do BMW, and Ducati but we have to be realistic, don't we?

No more beef stew or casseroles from the evil one. Watching Mila Kunis on That 70's show keeps my head in the clouds. Kelso, Hyde, and Fez are actually much more fun that Leonard, Rejesh, Howard, and SHELDON.
 I say that we start using the word SHELDON  instead of shit from now on. 'I think one of the cats just took a SHELDON in it's litter box. What have I been feeding them?

Anyway, keep your head down. Cook all foods to at least 160 degrees to kill all pathogens. I am shooting for around 200. Mila wears the cutest things....and her shoes!..  so cute

I hope you survive the "holidays"

Love, Julia

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKFJbSzhovk